College Freshmen Home for Thanksgiving

It’s yet another rite of passage for college freshmen.

For some, it is the first time they will be home since they left for college in August. For others, it is the first time they will see their core group of high school friends. For all, it’s an opportunity to touch base with “the mother ship” before final exams, feasting on nostalgic comfort food during football halftime. And a time for “taking stock” of their freshman experience so far. What to expect? Change.

Your returning young adult is not the high school student you moved into the dorm in August. She has gone through an enormous level of change! Your freshman has taken many steps toward independent adulthood, ranging from waking on her own (without your nagging) to returning at night when she chooses (without asking permision, a curfew, or “reporting in” to anyone).

To prepare for her return, I suggest reading: Don’t Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years by H.E. Johnson, or the classic, Letting Go (5E): A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years by K.L. Coburn. If you don’t have time for a whole book, try to grab a last minute airline bargain and skim  “Thanksgiving Break Survival Tips” at About.com. Do your son or daughter and favor by avoiding obnoxious parentisms described from a student’s point of view in “Welcome Home, Honey!” at CollegeCandy.com.

How will you deal with these changes? You know you can’t freeze him in time; you must respect his new autonomy. But you also have a right to boundaries at home. A curfew, or at least agreement on when he will come home, is appropriate for holiday visits. Returning to the dorm at 4 AM may be ok, but not at home where a night owl’s schedule clashes with parents and siblings. Campus security may ignore rowdy students wandering in the wee hours, but suburban police will not. This is a great time to distinguish between college and home “house rules.”

Your freshman may be surprised that he is not the only one who has gone through changes. Parents and siblings change too. Family dynamics are altered when a key player has been removed from the scene. For an in-depth look, check out my post: “When a big brother or sister goes to college.” The freshman’s return may conflict with new patterns that are just being established. It may take  time for everyone to readjust.

As a parent, you may desire more “rebonding” than fits your freshman’s comfort level, disappointed when he wants to go out with friends rather than sit at the dinner table and recount his college experience with you ad nauseum. Or,  if  you’ve just become an “empty nester,” you may be surprised at how quickly you’ve become used to your own independence from parenthood. You’re not geared to “waiting up” at night anymore, twiddling your thumbs until you hear his car in the driveway. You no longer have patience for picking up half-empty soda cans everywhere in the family room, as endearing as they are.

Thanksgiving is classically known as a time of truth for freshmen reconnecting with high school friends. For many, this first semester is characterized by “friendsickness,” (see my recent post), a grieving period for friends from home. Finally having a face-to-face meeting with old friends offers reassurance that some pals are “keepers”, or the realization that it is time to “move on” from other friendships.

Dating relationships often come to a pivotal inflection point now. Freshmen with long distance relationships with high school sweethearts may decide to continue exclusively, date only when both are home, break up altogether, or morph into a friendship. Recently a parent introduced me to “the turkey drop,” a coinage for a Thanksgiving break up. Parents need to remember that there is no “right” outcome: each relationship will run its natural course.

Be prepared for anything when your young adult comes home, from physical changes such as the “Freshman 15″ to evidence of emotional crises (anxiety, depression, eating disorders, substance abuse). A good primer on recognizing adolescents’ psychological issues is College of the Overwhelmed: The Campus Mental Health Crisis and What To Do About It by R. Kadison. If you were too scared to buy it before college, read Binge: What Your College Student Won’t Tell You by B. Seaman, for a reality check about alcohol excess and other toxic elements of college life. Knowing is better than not knowing!

Be ready for bombshells, such as: “I want to transfer.” This is common, if a student does not yet feel connected with new friends, is disillusioned by the college experience, or senses a mismatch between his goals and the school’s programs. I recommend a wait-and-see attitude, underscoring the need for a strong GPA to maximize flexibility. Often the student feels better  by spring and the transfer idea dissipates (but he earned a good GPA “just in case”: yippee!). If the transfer need is real, it will persist, in which he’s still glad he earned that strong GPA.

One thing that does not change is your family pet’s eagerness to welcome your freshman home. When our son returns, our shelties are thrilled, especially the older one who grew up with him. Like the patriarchal golden retriever Shadow in Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey, our old Blaze becomes a puppy again when reunited with “his boy.” I know my son will come home one day to a change in this situation: one more change to process. This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful it’s not yet.

Finally, encourage your son or daughter to catch up on sleep and healthy eating during Thanksgiving break, and get a flu shot if possible. Final exams is a period of sleep deprivation, junk food, high stress, and low immunity. You can at least give him a shot of Mom and apple (or pumpkin) pie to hit the ground running!