September, 1990. Our only son Eric was 6 months old. My husband and I were engaged in Ken Burns‘ PBS documentary, The Civil War, whenever Eric would miraculously fall asleep. We were just getting used to the awkward new idea of parenthood, with no clue as to where this strange new odyssey might take us.
Brad knows all Civil War battles by heart, a casualty of what I call the 1865 Male Chromosome. But the film’s compelling archival photographs, brought alive by the “Ken Burns Effect” and the haunting fiddle music of Jay Unger, guaranteed that I would be mesmerized by the masterpiece as well.
We were both captivated by the touching legendary letter of Union Major Sullivan Ballou, written to his wife before being mortally wounded in the First Battle of Bull Run. The letter’s most memorable words were, for us: “…God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and see our boys grown up to honorable manhood around us.”
Our son will turn 21 in a few months. He is successful by any standard, a junior at Emory University with fine academic performance. But so many years ago, while listening to that eloquent letter, its immortal words echoing from a distant century, we had tacitly agreed to our own unique standard for parental success.
Our vision was that our son would grow to honorable manhood, a phrase that embodies character, independence and purpose. I am proud to say that our son has developed these admirable qualities in abundance.
As a college consultant, I meet parents with all sorts of goals for their high school students. Parental goals for their kids have included: an Ivy League education; a college diploma, period, with minimal debt; a college major that can generate a secure living; settling down and raising a family near the parents’ location; self-actualization that has eluded the parents; a career that surpasses the parents’ accomplishments; or just being “happy.” The list goes on. Sometimes it is hard to determine what results qualify as a success.
I’ve encountered my share of evolved and inspiring parents, as well as some misguided ones. We’ve all met (and occasionally been) helicopter parents, who discourage their teens’ bid for autonomy, ignoring Robert A. Heinlein’s sage advice: “Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.” At the other end of the spectrum, we have all known parents so absorbed in their own concerns that their kids practically have to raise themselves. They are perhaps following in the footsteps of Roseanne Barr, who quipped: “I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job.”
I am certainly in no position to judge others, with my own missteps never far from my mind. What I would like to offer is supportive wisdom from Major Ballou, that loving husband and insightful father from the 19th Century, whose moving words have given us so much direction in the past 21 years.
Honorable Adulthood. To me, honorable means behaving with honesty, fairness, empathy, and integrity, consistent with one’s beliefs and values. Adulthood connotes independence, inner-directedness, self-sufficiency and maturity. It’s challenging for a young person to achieve, an ever-evolving target. It can also be painful for parents to release their offspring to the uncontrollable terrain of their own autonomy. But isn’t it what we have always desired for our children, from the very beginning?
This paradigm can give you guidance throughout your son or daughter’s adolescence. If you are temped to fight your kid’s battles, micromanage his college essays, squelch his youthful idealism, pressure him into a school choice, major or career that allays your anxieties and addresses your unmet aspirations, yet drains him of genuine ownership, voice and meaning, think again. Are you encouraging honorable adulthood?
Related Posts: Beginnings, Endings and Change, Letting Go (Back by Popular Demand), Helicopter Parents: College and Beyond, Empty Nester? Get a Gig, General Petraeus Inspires the Cornwall HS Class of 2010: No Guts, No Glory, Senior Parent? Learn to Paint, “Senioritis” and What To Do About It and Empty Nester Holiday Blues.
This post has elicited thought-provoking and inspiring comments, which I welcome readers to review below and respond to. Teach Your Children Well!
First, I agree with Kris’s goal of inspiring our children to reach honorable adulthood. What is the alternative– subtly supporting our children to be continuously dependent (can’t make decisions without fear of failure) without personal integrity? Reaching the goal of being an honorable adult serves that child in so many ways including they will likely be happier with themselves (most important), more successful in their careers, and in their personal relationships. The opposite possibility of having a dependent child can be ego-gratifying to you (“I am needed to help my child”) but has potentially severe long term repercussions affecting all areas of that child’s life in a dysfunctional way. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. We have all had experiences in our own childhood that we use to justify our own behavior with our children. I would ask if that is the right justification for rationalizing your own parenting behavior.
Assuming many of you agree with Kris’s premise that a parent’s role (and perhaps responsibility) is to create this independent adult, how do you know when you are giving them the right amount of room to become that honorable adult and when do you believe you are doing the right thing by “sharing your wisdom”? It probably differs by stage—there is a big difference between a high school student, college student and young adult in their mid-late 20’s and the decisions they are making. Having experience with all of these stages (and made “helicopter-like” parental moves myself) I still believe (in hindsight) that there are some basic considerations we can consider as we conduct ourselves in our all important role.
I have been working on my role as parent to create joyful, independent adult relationships with my daughters (ages: 22 and 26). Here is what I do when I find myself in that position (familiar from the past) where I want to direct, make strong recommendations, provide unsolicited opinions and other generally “helpful ideas” that I believe my daughters really want to hear. First, I listen to the tapes from my own mother/daughter relationship: Didn’t my mother do the same thing (yes)? Did I love my mother but hate that particular behavior (yes)? When did I most appreciate my mother (when she waited until I asked for her opinion and was a sounding board for my thinking through the situation on a solicited basis)?
Become aware when you find yourself offering this unsolicited advice and ask yourself: What is the motivation behind “jumping in” too quickly? Do you want to make points, show your wisdom, or save your child from making a mistake (in your opinion)? What if you forced yourself to just listen and wait until you were invited in? The many downsides of jumping in too soon include the fact that your child no longer has the opportunity to “own the solution”. I have been told that the idea I provided may be a great one but because I provided it without being asked it will likely be discarded. It is not that they don’t want your advice and that your advice is potentially good advice, it’s that they need the space to make decisions and decide when they want your advice. You have likely done a good job on the modeling and teaching how to be “honorable” the harder one is to let “adulthood” flourish and not be personally diminished by the process. As I like to say, parenting is not for the squeamish!
Janice,
Thank you for the thoughtful response! It is on the level of a guest post! You raise some great questions we can ask ourselves to ensure that we are encouraging “honorable adulthood” in our young adult sons and daughters.
I, also agree with Kris’s goal of helping our children reach “honorable adulthood”. It is a balancing act to remain close enough to guide, without smothering, and step far enough away, so as not to lose site. As a middle school nurse for many years I, too, saw all kinds of parents. I saw both extremes- children raising themselves because of absentee parents and parents overindulging their children’s every whim. Neither is healthy and neither results in responsible mature adults.
I believe that ” Actions speak louder than words” and “Practice what you preach” are tried and true old adages particularly in young children. Perhaps the key to raising “honorable” adults is in examining our own behaviors regularly to ensure that our words are upheld by our actions. As our children get older in the adolescent and teenage years our words and actions are often scrutinized by them. We all learn that anything and everything we do can be “embarrasing”. In the event that there is a discrepancy between words and actions, it has to be addressed and acknowledged and discussed openly until an understanding is arrived upon.
Communication is essential. Knowing when to talk and when to listen is, as Janice said, extremely important through young adulthood. With 21 and 23 year old daughters, who are as different as night and day, this is something I am working on daily. In fact, sometimes it feels like a full time job! I am fortunate in that both girls share their lives with me. I have to remind myself to listen, expressionless, to what they are saying. I have found that rather than giving advice or opinions, which may be viewed as judgmental, it is more helpful to say, “What do you think you should do? What is in your heart? ” This way, I am not offering an opinion that they don’t really want to hear, and I am not trying to influence their life according to how I view things. I always remind them “this is your journey, not mine. You need to trust your instincts. You are the best judge of what is right for you.” In this way I am supportively reminding them to take responsibility for their life and decisions. We all make mistakes but that is often how we learn.
Thank you, Pat, for your thought-provoking and helpful comment. I especially love your statement to your daughters, “This is your journey, not mine.” I think that all of our children are put on earth with their own destiny, their own special path that it is their responsibility to find. We are stewards who have the privilege of raising them, and providing a foundation. But in the end, they have to trust their instincts, as you said. Thanks for sharing your experience with our readers!