Remember the midlife crisis movie, City Slickers? Billy Crystal played a burned out media sales guy. He found no personal satisfaction in his work, and was embarrassed to speak to his daughter’s class on Parents Career Day. When asked what he did for a living, Billy shrugged cynically, “I sell air.”
Those who have seen this wise, funny film know this was the wake-up call for Billy and two buddies to go West. With the help of a grizzled old trail boss, “Curly,” played by Jack Palance, they discovered that life could be a meaningful adventure.
At Position U 4 College, I probe a student’s interests and long term goals. I am often struck by the absence of purpose, even from students with remarkable talent. I once thought my role with college-bound teens was about the “HOW.” Now I realize it is about the “WHY.” William Damon, Hoover Institution Senior Fellow, Stanford University Education Professor, and Director of Stanford’s Center on Adolescence, has written a book that resonates for me as a college consultant. Its title is The Path to Purpose: Helping Our Children Find a Calling in Life.
I referred to this book in, Antidotes for the Race to Nowhere, but it is so rich in wisdom that I’d like to delve into it more deeply. It is based on Damon’s adolescent study, in which a quarter of respondents appeared to be rudderless. He refers to these young people as “disengaged” (25%), while describing the other three groups as “dreamers” (25%), “dabblers” (31%), and “purposeful”(20%). Damon identifies crucial factors for helping young people develop purpose. He views a parent as a “Socratic coach” who finds everyday opportunities to practice the precepts below:
Listen closely for the spark, then fan the flames. Damon offers vivid real-life examples, such as Ryan Hreljac, a first grader who founded Ryan’s Well Foundation to bring clean drinking water to children in Africa. Rather than steal Damon’s thunder, I will relate an example of my own.
At 14, my son was crazy for the guitar. Eric not only played in a band, but also designed and built his own guitars from kits. His school required community service hours, so he asked, “Could I do something related to guitar?” He mentioned how much the instrument meant to him, and mused that music could change the life of some needy kid somewhere.
I picked up on his idea, scouting the web for ways to apply it. Teaching disadvantaged kids to play guitar was not an option for a kid under 18. Finally, I came across a fledgling nonprofit that gave guitar lessons to inner-city kids called Little Kids Rock. Its website asked for donatons of gently used guitars. It occured to me that Eric could build guitars and donate them.
The nonprofit’s charismatic founder, Dave Wish, was thrilled with the idea. Eric built three guitars that he presented to fifth graders at a charter school in Newark, NJ. A decade later, Little Kids Rock serves 66,000 children in 24 cities nationwide. Eric had the inspirational experience of being a part of that special program in its infancy.
Take advantage of regular oppotunities to open a dialogue. Damon mentions the dinner table as an aspiration “hatching ground.” I believe the car (dinner table of this generation?) also offers a great venue for picking up on a young person’s sparks of interest that may slip out on the way to a soccer game.
Be open-minded and supportive of the sparks of interest expressed. Damon observes that it’s easy to help your teen to build on an idea in an interest area you share. But what if your kid’s inner voice is beckoning toward an area that is foreign to you?
My niece Caroline, aged 14, is crazy for animals. Her parents are not exactly animal lovers, but they willingly support her passion within boundaries of practicality. Besides a dog, cats, birds and hamsters, her parents facilitate her love of horses through leasing and lessons at a nearby barn. Caroline goes to summer camp at Dolphin Research Center in the Florida Keys. We don’t know where her passion will lead, but it is poised to direct her life and most likely improve the lives of animals in the future.
Convey your own sense of purpose and the meaning you derive from your work. Damon references a WSJ article pointing out that “today’s workers more often spend their time talking on the phone or clicking on a computer than making tangible goods that a child can appreciate. The child is left with the impression that the only thing that is valuable about the parent’s work is the paycheck he or she brings home.”
When Eric was little, he knew Mom’s job at Nabisco had something to do with Teddy Grahams, his favorite snack. As he got older, I shared more, creatng teachable moments. Now a college student, Eric is considering a Washington Semester. I told him I once did a similar program, and I learned that government bureaucrats often impugn business people with avaricious motives, and no regard for societal impact. This unfortunate hyperbolic view, spun by Hollwood, is held by many young people today. If only parents would talk about the meaning of their work with their kids.
I explained that when I got my MBA, I wanted to find out if that corporate stereotype was accurate. I vowed that there would at least be one scrupulous professional in the business world–me. My decisions would put people to work, my products would be wholesome and a good value, my advertising truthful, and I would deal with colleagues and employees with integrity. This is an essential perspective for a young person to hear from his parents. Eric grew up knowing that his parents, both business people, were worth emulating. A person can change the world in any job, private or public sector.
Impart wisdom about the practicalities of life. No, parents should not dismiss “impractical” careers, like the father who tries to force his son to become a doctor instead of an actor in Dead Poet’s Society. Rather, Damon clarifies that parents can help teens figure out how to make their dreams come true by helping them understand what is realistically required to attain their goals.
Introduce children to potential mentors. Damon’s study shows that purposeful youth often look to people outside the home for the ideas and inspiration that help them find purpose. I couldn’t agree more on the power of mentors. Read my post, Everybody Needs a Tiger.
Encourage an entrepreneurial attitude. Damon advises cultivating the following attitudes: goal-setting with realistic plans to reach goals; a can-do attitude; persistence in the face of obstacles; tolerance for risk; resilience when encountering failure; determination to achieve measurable results; and resourcefulness in attaining those results.
Nurture a positive outlook. We complain that our kids don’t listen to us, but they absorb more than we realize. Damon cautions to beware of messages we unwittingly send. When my mother encountered an obstacle, she would habitually exclaim, “Now we’re really in the soup!” Her fatalistic lens was itself an obstacle that I needed to overcome to become an achiever.
Instill in children a feeling of agency, linked to responsibility. Damon encourages sending the message that our kids’ dreams matter, and they can make them come true. He urges parents to teach kids the realistic requirements of achieving goals, and create expectations that their kids will take on responsibility. My niece Caroline grooms and tacks her horse, takes her black lab to agility training, and cleans her critters’ cages (with help from Dad).
Ironically, the ancient Greeks used the term daimon to decribe an individual’s guiding force that calls that person to his or her unique destiny. William Damon encourages parents to do all they can to help their children hear and respond to that call. Relevant reading: The Soul’s Code: In Search of Character and Calling by James Hillman. Related posts: Antidotes for the Race to Nowhere, Everybody Needs a Tiger, and Honorable Adulthood.
