I just got back from a whirlwind tour of MidAtlantic colleges, accompanying a good friend and her daughter, a rising high school senior. On the drive back, the three of us made a list of ideas that would make campus tours less painful and more productive for college-bound teens. My friend’s articulate daughter made some especially insightful suggestions–definitely worth a listen!
Wait for your child to absorb the experience and express an opinion before you give yours.If you speak first, you will either inhibit her from forming an impression or expressing herself authentically. She may emulate your point of view or rebel, depending on your relationship dynamics. Either way, it won’t be her own. One key benefit of this experience is your teen’s discovery of how to combine subjective emotional impressions with rational data and make her own decisions. Don’t deprive her of that experience by “jumping the gun” and expressing yours first.
Don’t embarrass your child by questions you ask in public. Obvious, but it happens frequently! Show-off Dad doesn’t listen to the tour guide, then asks a question the guide has just answered. Teenager cringes. He doesn’t realize this isn’t his gig. Parent-teen dynamics can become a distraction, and get in the way of the teen’s need to focus on the key question, “Can I picture myself here for the next four years?” Remember the famous Dave Barry quote: “To an adolescent, nothing is more embarrassing than a parent.” Keep a low profile on college tours: let your kid ask the questions and form the impressions.
Ask subjective questions of the tour guide. In a natural way, without putting the student on the spot, ask questions that elicit a genuine, personal response. Rather than asking factual questions like “What is the undergraduate enrollment?” ask, “How does the school’s size feel for you?” or “How do you like the college town?”
Practice the art of observation. Grab a meal on campus. Look, listen, and get a feel for the atmosphere. How are students dressed, what are they talking about? How diverse? Do they seem like the kind of students your teen would enjoy “hanging out with”? Check out bulletin boards and the student newspaper. What seems to be important here? Political activism? Local community? Sports? Greek life? Parties? Grad school? Careers? Your teen needs to practice the art of being an anthropologist, keenly observing this particular college’s “culture” and trying to assess her fit within it.
Use your GPS or Mapquest, not the college website’s directions. Remember the old saw about meeting the realtor at the house, rather than driving there with her? This way you can drive around to get an accurate picture of the neighborhood, not just what she wants you to see. We discovered by accident that the website may lead you through the loveliest, safest part of a community, but not give you a full picture of the school’s surrounding neighborhoods.
If your teen gives the school a “thumbs down”, accept her verdict and ask if she can describe her reasons. It is essential for a teen to be able to articulate why a specific college does not appeal to her, just as much as why she may like a school. This helps her form decision-making standards in her head, against which future choices can be measured. Don’t try to change her mind if she just plain doesn’t like a school. She is learning to listen to herself! As Martha Stewart says, “It’s a good thing!”
Make it fun. Stating the obvious, try not to make it onerous! If you need to bring younger siblings, tie it into a family weekend in the area. Visit a place that’s fun for all ages, like visiting Hershey Park while seeing Dickinson College or Franklin & Marshall. School websites list local things to do, along with lodging and restaurants. Campusvisit.com offers travel planning tools for visiting multiple schools in Boston, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Columbus.
Another approach is NO siblings, especially if they don’t get along. Let your teen bring a friend looking at the same colleges, or go with another family. We’ve done it, and it makes campus visits bearable for teens—better than being trapped alone with their parents!
Remember, it’s an evolving process.The college process is center stage in your family’s life for about a year. Your teen’s feelings will change over the course of that year! A college she has ruled out at first she may decide to reconsider later. It’s a moving target, and it should be.
For that reason, college visits should also be spread out (junior winter break, spring break, summer, senior fall), so that each set of visits can be absorbed within the context of her evolving sense of what she is looking for in a college. If your teen has had enough, take a break for a while. The next time you visit a school, your child will be able to observe with fresh eyes and more maturity.
If you feel your child needs space to visit colleges without you, consider a college tour program such as CollegeTreks.com or College-Visits.com. College trips arranged by a third party, experienced with peers, takes parent-teen dynamics and conflict out of the equation. However, I advise not overdoing the number of schools, because kids burn out quickly. The idea is not to leave no stone unturned, but to explore some prototypic options that will help your teen make a sound decision.
Related posts: The Next Six Months of College Visits,Why Juniors Should Visit Colleges on Winter and Spring Break, Choosing Colleges in Cool Metro Areas.
Okay – so I’m the parent who listens well and doesn’t ask impertinent questions but did embarrass my child by asking a “tricky” question in our tour group setting for all to hear. My daughter and I talked about it later and she pointed out that it would have been “okay” if I had either pulled the tour guide aside to ask, waited for a moment when the group had gotten separated a bit and asked the guide quietly, or asked at the end of the tour after everyone else had left. Lesson learned. My advice: don’t embarrass your child but don’t let that concern stop you from finding out the information you really want to know – just do so in a considerate manner!
It’s great that you and your daughter have the kind of relationship where she can give you that kind of constructive feedback, and you can respond in a way that makes her feel respected and “heard” but in a way that also addresses your concerns. What a great prelude to a lifelong adult dialogue between you and your daughter!
Hi Kris, Insightful as usual! I love the points that you make about using the GPS, asking the child to explain why a school gets a thumbs down and that this being an evolving process. We have experienced all of the above in our journeys thus far!
Our college applicant started off being absolutely closed minded about school A but after visiting it, loves it even though we are not as positive about it anymore. She has been pretty good at articulating her reasons and we have been explaining ours! Hopefully, we’ll have a meeting of minds soon!
Yes, we all have the right to change our minds! It will continue to evolve up until the last minue, when the college applicant has to make a decision on ED or RD, or send in that enrollment commitment check. It evolves even after that for some….but we won’t talk about that!