The College Process, Not “The Hunger Games”: Networking with Other Families

As a college consultant,  I am often surprised to learn that most families shoulder the stressful, confusing college process in isolation from an obvious, free, rich resource to which they have access: other families. This “go it alone” modus operandi may stem from:  a lack of connection with other families in the teen’s high school; an attempt to protect family privacy by taking a “close-to-the-vest” approach; a secretive strategy rooted in competitive, “zero-sum-game” assumptions; or simply a lack of understanding about how helpful other families can be as a resource. Let me discuss each of these causes in turn.

1. Lack of connection. There are many reasons your family could feel disconnected from other families in your student’s high school. You could be newcomers from a different town, state or country. Your teen may be attending a regional public or private high school in a different town; current classmates are not the neighborhood kids with whom your son or daughter grew up. If your family is comprised of two working parents or a single parent, with long commutes or heavy travel, there may have been no time for involvement with parent-teacher organizations or your kid’s extracurricular activities over the years. Maybe you have a shy temperament and are not outgoing with other parents. Or maybe you see your teen’s high school as his or her world, and you do not feel it is appropriate for you to become overly involved. Perhaps your independent–or rebellious–adolescent does not make you feel welcome.

All these reasons are understandable, but I  encourage you to reach out to other parents as much as your situation allows, as early in your student’s high school career as possible. You will probably find that other parents in the same life stage as yourself can be a source of rich, satisfying friendship for you, which may last even after your adolescent has gone to college. We all need friends, to share rites of passage and all the ups and downs of life.

Having parental cohorts in your teen’s class can keep you “in the know” about so many things: teachers to avoid for Spanish or Pre-Calculus next year; parties to forbid your son to attend because the parents are away and alcohol will definitely be present; or “mean girl” dynamics that may be stressing out your daughter but she cannot tell you about it. I am not talking about interfering in your teen’s life; I am referring to doing the “face time” with parents in your high school community to keep you informed about the world in which your adolescent is growing up. And being connected with parents will help keep you on top of the college application process as well.

2. Keeping “close-to-the-vest.” I understand why families do this. Sometimes it is appropriate, especially in the winter of senior year, when college acceptance stress can be so contagious and you want to protect your child by donning “blinders” to “run one’s own race.” If you have cultivated genuine friendships throughout the high school years, however, you can reach out to at least a few other families for mutual sharing of information and support. This approach is different than blabbing about your child’s applications and play-by-play results to every parent you meet. So keep a low profile if you desire, but try not to isolate yourself and your child from families you consider real friends.

3. Secretive competition. This is utter nonsense. As a college applicant, is your child a competitor? Yes, in a broad sense. If your child wants to get into, say, Columbia University, he or she is competing with some 25,000 applicants from all over the globe, hoping to be one of the lucky ten percent admitted. But your kid is not competing with everyone in your high school.

Ah, you say, but there are ten high-performing students in my kid’s class who have announced that they will apply Early Decision to Columbia this fall (some even wearing T-shirts from their campus visit). Columbia cannot possibly take all ten, so my kid is actually competing directly with his classmates, head to head. True enough. But let’s break that down a little. Your guidance department does not like to be overwhelmed with “ED” applications, and they do not want their credibility tarnished with Ivy admissions committees by sending them unqualified “ED” applicants. Guidance counselors from rigorous independent high schools might actually redirect unqualified Columbia “ED” applicants to institutions more appropriate for their credentials. In our hypothetical story, let’s say a few applicants decide, for whatever reason, to apply somewhere else Early Decision instead.

Let us say that by the time the November First deadline rolls around, there are only five Columbia “ED” applicants left. So, is your child competing directly with those kids mano-a-mano? Yes and no. This is not The Hunger Games.  It is certainly not personal, even though it might sometimes feel that way. Keeping your application strategy “secret,” as though a bona fide “back door” truly existed, will produce an ulcer…  but not necessarily a fat letter from Columbia.

In our hypothetical story, perhaps one of these five applicants has such perfect academic credentials that there is no way your teenager could be preferred on a pure merit basis. All your child can do is achieve to the best of his or her own ability. It gets more complicated if one of the five is a legacy, an underrepresented minority, a “development admit,” a boy, or a champion athlete. These are factors which may or may not enter the picture at any given institution, and over which an individual applicant has no control. These factors certainly cannot be changed by showing a secretive, coy, petty, jaded, cut-throat attitude. No matter what you may personally feel about institutional admissions policies, explicit or inferred, I suggest modeling good sportsmanship for your teen in the college process. PS, if your child does not get into his or her “ED” dream school, do not lose heart: there are over 2600 four year higher education institutions in the US.

4. Lack of understanding of how families can help each other in the college process. Ninety-nine percent of the time, your student is not competing directly “against” his or her best friend (if you choose to view it that way). So you have nothing to lose, and certainly much to give and gain, by collaborating with other parents who are going through the process or have already successfully navigated it with an older child. Networking with other parents can dial down the stress, if you connect with parents who have wise, balanced perspectives, rather than misguided, overly wired parents who infect you with their own high-strung anxiety. 

Consider the following ways in which you can help, or be helped by, another parent in the college process:

• Give or solicit feedback on campus visits, or even travel to a college together

• Become a “connector” between a family who is interested in a given college and another family you know whose child has attended that college

• Become a “connector” between a family whose child is interested in a given career field and a parent you know in that field (or a family whose older child is pursuing that field)

• Exchange information on college resources (local tutors, college consultants, financial aid workshops, books and websites)

Making such supportive networking gestures is more likely to help your child than it is to somehow put your child at a (perceived) competitive disadvantage.  It will also help another young person find his or her way, and whoever said we were put on earth to help only our own children? Even though I get paid for what I do, I consider my college guidance work  “paying it forward” in gratitude to adults who helped me when I was an adolescent; I am a believer in the old adage that “every man is every child’s father.”

Modeling a collaborative attitude is a precious gift to offer your child as he or she goes forth into a world that can easily be perceived as dog-eat-dog. No wonder The Hunger Games film resonated for our teens; they certainly want to succeed, but they also want to retain noble, compassionate qualities. The character Peeta, “struggling with how to maintain his identity…his purity of self,” makes a declaration that I believe rings true for idealistic adolescents: “I keep wishing I could think of a way…. to show… they don’t own me. That I’m more than just a piece in their Games.”

Networking with other parents in the college process is just one more way of demonstrating that being supportive of others is a way to achieve in life, while still retaining one’s caring ideals.

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College Consultants? Who Needs’em?

Our current economy permits few luxuries. Why should families hire an independent college admissions consultant? (An encore post with the addition of my recent video interview on college consulting.)

1. Focused one-on-one attention. In the middle of this decade, studies by the U.S. Dept. of Education and National Association for College Admissions Counseling (NACAC) pointed to average public school counselor-to-student ratios in the range of 300-500 to 1. Guidance counselors can only devote part of their time to college advising, since their duties often include scheduling and discipline issues.These professionals are doing their best in a difficult situation. But for families who would like more individual attention for their high school student, an independent consultant can play a helpful role.

2. Rising college competitiveness. S. P. Springer et al, authors of Admission Matters: What Students and Parents Need to Know About Getting Into College, identify three factors that have made the college process more competitive and stressful than “back in the day”: the “echo” boom (or baby boomlet), social changes, and the internet. They describe the demographic explosion which causes students to be “edged out” of top colleges at which their parents were accepted–supply & demand. “More high school graduates than ever are competing for seats in the freshman class…In 1997, there were 2.6 million graduates…by 2009, the number of high school graduates had grown to 3.3 million…they are projected to stay at or above 3.2 million at least until 2022.” (p. 2).

Social changes have dramatically increased the complexity and competitiveness of the college process. “Application numbers have grown much faster than the age cohort…Not only are there more students graduating from high school each year, proportionally more of them want to go to college…At the same time, colleges themselves have increased their efforts to attract large, diverse pools of applicants.” (p.3).

The internet intensifies competition as well, because online applications (e.g., Common Application) have made it easy to apply to multiple colleges. (p. 3-4).

This competitive, complex landscape requires more guidance than it used to. It can be misleading, unrealistic (and unfair to the child) to rely on parental historical benchmarks: “I went to Penn and my son is as smart as I am, so why shouldn’t he be accepted?” (I went to Penn in the 70’s, Wharton in the 80’s, and Columbia in the 90’s, but who knows if I could get in today!) A consultant can provide an updated perspective.

3. Mistakes are costly. I am talking about cost in terms of student self-esteem as well as time and money. It is essential to have a realistic college list, with an appropriate number of “target” schools, not too many reaches or safes.

Unrealistic expectations may exacerbate the anxiety and stress of the college process, and result in your teen having to “settle” for a school that is not the best fit. They say, “You can always transfer,” and it’s true. But having to “start over” at a new campus can be emotionally challenging.

And don’t forget, transfer students are not always considered for many scholarships for which freshmen are eligible. If the new college’s requirements differ from the original school’s, the student may have to spend extra time and money taking additional courses. Why let a high school student go through this potentially costly “guinea pig” experience? Advice from an experienced counselor can prevent unnecessary expenditure of time, money and angst. You are about to shell out as much as $200K (for a private college), one of the largest investments you will ever make. An initial advisory service seems like a reasonable course of action before launching into such a venture.

4. A third party can help navigate the tricky parent-teen relationship. The college process creates the perfect storm in an already tense parent-teen dynamic. Your teen is legitimately struggling for autonomy, trying to find his or her authentic voice, while you are seeking to protect your evolving young adult from disastrous consequences of high risk behaviors. A third party mentor can lower tension. Often a teenager is more willing to listen to a third party than to parents!

5. An independent college consultant can help broaden opportunities for your child. A seasoned consultant has knowledge of many colleges and universities of which you may not be aware. He or she is experienced with resources (books, internet, individuals) to assist you in efficiently finding schools with strengths in your child’s fields of interest, or “great fits” with your child’s personality and social style.

An experienced consultant will also be familiar with excellent high school summer, gap year and study abroad programs. Although most college consultants are not financial aid advisors per se, they are acquainted with the process and can point you in the direction of specialists. They also can put you in touch with tutors for standardized testing and even educational consultants who can help with learning disabilities.

For information on choosing an independent college consultant, check with the National Association for College Admissions Counseling (NACAC) or the Independent Educational Consultants Association (IECA).

Any consultant you consider using in your area should be a member of one of these organizations, in addition to a professional background in counseling, school guidance, or admissions. Other credentials include the IECA Training Institute or College Counseling Certification by UC Berkeley, UC Irvine, or UCLA.

To offer further insights, I am sharing a segment from a recent interview I did on Hometowne TV, a local access cable network based in Summit, NJ, hosted by Myung Bondy. You can find additional segments of this interview covering a number of key college application topics on my YouTube.

Related posts: Your Target Colleges…And It’s a Moving Target, Parents of 11th Graders: Get Set for Junior College Night, High School Juniors Apathetic About College Applications?

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How to Plan a College Visit

It’s that time of year again. School holidays are coming up: President’s Weekend, Spring Break, Easter Break. Time for high school juniors to explore college campuses. As a college consultant, I am frequently asked how to plan and optimize college visits. So here are some key steps:

1. Decide which schools to visit. With the help of your guidance counselor or an independent consultant, you and your high school student need to be developing an initial college list. The criteria for selection should include: type of institution (public, private, university, liberal arts college, technical institute, arts conservatory); academic and extracurricular programs offered; affordability (public, private, merit scholarship availability); size; setting (urban, suburban, rural); geography and distance from home; diversity; and academic, political, cultural and social atmosphere.

Resources to generate the list can include: My own book, Navigating the Road to College: A Handbook for Parents; Lynn O’Shaughnessy’s The College Solution; Steven Antonoff’s The College Finder, or its related web site, InsideCollege.com; Loren Pope’s Colleges That Change Lives, or its related web site, ctcl.org; Greenes Guides’ The Hidden Ivies; and the Yale Daily News Staff’s The Insider’s Guide to Colleges 2012. You may also find the following blog posts helpful: First College List Question: Public vs. Private University, College Applications: Don’t Follow the Lemmings, and Your Target Colleges…and It’s a Moving Target. For performing arts or pre-medicine, check out my series on college majors listed in the lower right hand panel of this blog.

Do Internet research to whittle down the list to a manageable number of schools to visit. Besides perusing each school’s own web site, you can obtain visual impressions of the campus from sites such as: YouUniversityTV.com and CampusTours.com. College Board College Search offers free standardized facts and figures, such as size, costs, programs, deadlines and selectivity. US News & World Report offers academic rankings of schools and specific undergraduate programs, such as business and engineering, for around twenty bucks. MeritAid.com identifies scholarship programs. Your  own high school’s Naviance Family Connection will give insights into their students’ historical acceptance rates at each school. CollegeConfidential‘s forums offer opinions from students, parents, counselors and admissions professionals.

2. Set up trips that are not too overwhelming. Your teen needs to digest each campus visit, and cramming in too many schools, for the sake of efficiency when visiting a specific geographic area during a school holiday, could actually backfire. The schools might blend together too much, or the student, burning out by the end, may totally tune out the last school on the itinerary. Prioritize by making sure you hit the colleges that are absolutely at the top of your student’s list, the “must sees.” You might also try to show your student a real contrast, such as an urban vs. a rural school, early on in the spring, because it may help your student clarify what he or she truly wants and consequently narrow down the list.

3. Register for an information session and campus tour. Generally, you need to register in advance by going to the school’s web site under its “admission” or “prospective students” section and find “visits.” They usually have calendars that indicate availability of information sessions, tours, open houses, opportunities to sit in on a class, and special programs throughout the year. Sign up for special programs as appropriate, such as a tour of the performing arts facilities if your student is a musician, actor or dancer. Check out what may be going on at the college the weekend you are planning to visit, such as sports events or performances, and get tickets! What better way to get a “feel” of the college community, its talent, facilities and school spirit?

4. What to do about campus interviews? The interview is not a key deciding factor in college admissions, as I describe in my post, Acing the College Admissions Interview. Many colleges, however, will arrange a non-evaluative interview if you request it when you are visiting. Interviewing is a great way to show “demonstrated interest,” as well as getting answers to questions about the college’s programs. If your student is early in the visiting process, and is nervous about not being ready to make a great impression, postpone it. It is more important for your student to be focused on observing and absorbing, not on performing. Later on, if the school makes your teen’s short list, he or she may be able to interview, on a second campus visit, or with regional alumni. If the school requires an eventual visit for an audition or portfolio review, there is definitely no need to stress out about interviewing early on.

5. What to look for when visiting? My post and book chapter, Tips for College Trips, offers in-depth advice for playing the role of an anthropologist, practicing the art of observation, and seeking the answer to the key question: “Can I picture myself here for four pivotal years of my life?” Related posts: Why Juniors Should Visit Colleges on Winter and Spring Break, The Next Six Months of College Visits, and I’ll Only Visit Colleges I Get Into.

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Colleges for B Students

Nobody’s perfect. Not every teenager is bound for the Ivy League. While parents who interview me as a potential consultant for their college-bound superstar ask about my track record with elite institutions, it is in fact a greater challenge to help a B student find an ideal college match.

I am not talking about a teen who gets a B or even a C in a course or two; I am referring to a student whose GPA throughout high school averages slightly south or north of 3.0. Alas, we no longer live in a world of the “Gentleman C”—it has probably become more like “Gentleman B.” We live in an age of grade inflation, as well as fierce population-driven competition for spots in selective colleges. According to College Board, the percentage of applicants accepted with GPA’s of 3.0-3.24 is generally under 10%, and those accepted with GPA’s of 2.5-2.99 is 1-2%, even at colleges of average selectivity. So the competition is definitely tough out there.

The “B student” moniker covers a broad range of students, with diverse abilities, backgrounds and aspirations. After high school, their trajectories could include: immediate employment; vocational training via a technical institute, art school, or career college; four years in a college or university with an immediate vocational emphasis, such as business; or four years in a college or university with a liberal arts orientation and/or preparation for graduate school.

B students can have any number of individual stories. Some might be late bloomers, distracted from academics early in high school, but catching up junior or senior year as they mature and find their feet. Some may be solid students with an Achilles’ heel in one academic area, such as math or language, that drags down the GPA. There may be a learning disability, attentional disorder, or psychological condition to be diagnosed and addressed. It is also possible that the student’s passion is focused on a less academic field, say, culinary arts, dance, music, photography, fashion design, or graphic arts; he or she is therefore simply not engaged by abstract college prep courses such as Latin or Calculus. His or her true talents are not measured in the high school GPA; the B performance is not indicative of the student’s potential.

First, let us consider B students who are late bloomers, inconsistent performers, learning challenged, or emotionally fragile. They have special individual needs that should be considered in the college application process. It is not enough to simply find colleges with accessible admissions criteria. I suggest that families of B students consider small-to-medium colleges, if affordable, with a favorable faculty-student ratio, academic support, a close-knit student body, focus on the undergraduate, and a nurturing environment. B students are not entering college as finished products, ready to grab the brass ring; they are, in fact, underprepared, and need a transformational environment to help them mature and gain skills for success.

Where are these colleges? Pick up Loren Pope’s Colleges That Change Lives: 40 Schools That Will Change the Way You Think about Colleges. Pope describes these colleges as having “a familial sense of communal enterprise… a faculty of scholars devoted to helping young people develop their powers, mentors who often become their valued friends.” Of Pope’s schools, the most accessible for B students include: Beloit (WS), Knox (IL), Ohio Wesleyan, Hiram, College of Wooster (OH), Kalamazoo (MI), Earlham (IN), Juniata (PA), Goucher, McDaniel (MD), Lynchburg (VA), Guilford (NC), Hendrix (AK), Hampshire (MA), and Marlboro (VT). Full list at ctcl.org.

Check out “Hidden Gems” from Steven Antonoff’s The College Finder: Choose the School That’s Right for You. Of Antonoff’s hidden gems, the most accessible for B students include:  Hobart & Smith (NY), Champlain (VT), Endicott (MA), Bryant (RI), Fairfield (CT), Drew (NJ), High Point (NC), and College of Charleston (SC). For Antonoff’s complete hidden gem lists, visit InsideCollege.com.

If your B student is challenged by standardized testing, take a look at the SAT/ACT test optional schools listed at Fairtest.org. Many are also listed by Pope or Antonoff. Schools most accessible for B students include: Hobart & Smith (NY), Drew (NJ), Providence, Bryant (RI), Fairfield (CT),  Hampshire (MA), Marlboro (VT),  Goucher, Loyola (MD), Guilford (NC), Knox (IL), and U of Scranton (PA).

I hesitate to recommend large universities for students who have struggled academically in high school relative to their peers. The mission of land-grant universities is to serve the public; therefore, these schools are accessible, even for applicants with less competitive credentials. After matriculation, these schools gradually separate the wheat from the chaff. For B students unprepared for a sink-or-swim situation,  however, I suggest a more intimate college atmosphere, in which somebody notices if a freshman cuts class.

Such an environment could be public; Penn State‘s satellite campuses, for example, offer a small-scale “junior college” experience to prepare late bloomers to eventually succeed at the flagship campus in University Park. The student will eventually get to enjoy the “rah-rah” Division I sports and Greek life college experience that many middle class families seem to consider a rite of passage, a socio-cultural phenomenon unique to American society.

Second, let us consider the student with a well-developed artistic or technical interest that is better honed in a vocational institute, career college, or conservatory program than in a traditional four year college. The student could be a high academic performer, or a B student, who may simply be more of an artistic or technical specialist at heart. This situation can be especially tricky for middle class suburban families, whose general expectation is that their children will attend four year colleges. Should this student  be encouraged to attend a traditional four year liberal arts college or go the specialist route instead?

The traditional college route will provide a well-balanced education, of course, arguably important for all members of our complex society. But for the B student, it could result in continued mediocre performance, since the student is not pursuing a field in which he or she naturally excels, perhaps resulting in not graduating or not finding a job after graduation. The more vocationally-oriented route may lack prestige, depending on what kind of program it is, and most likely will not offer a comprehensive liberal arts foundation. It will, however, provide a venue in which the student will thrive. The student will be thoroughly trained in his or her passion, and will be equipped to find an occupation in that field upon graduation.

Can an artistic or technical specialist student have his or her cake and eat it too? Yes, there are some institutions that do offer deep preparation for an artistic or technical field within a traditional university setting, all along the selectivity continuum. Antonoff’s book and website, as well as Rugg’s Recommendations on the Colleges, 27th Ed., by F.E. Rugg, are helpful resources for identifying such programs. Also check out the Majors section of CollegeToolkit.com and MyMajors.com.

In my practice, I have encountered B students from many backgrounds, with diverse individual stories. The only generalization I can offer is that there is no “one size fits all” path for the B student. I feel that parents need to be careful about projecting their own expectations onto their adolescent; rather, parents need to guide their student in identifying the higher education environment where he or she will thrive and be best prepared for a satisfying career. Related posts: Preparing for a Major in…the Performing Arts, Why Study Liberal Arts in College?

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A College Consultant’s “Words to Live By”

As a longtime fan of QuoteGarden, ThinkExist, and BrainyQuote, and a recent convert to Pinterest, I could definitely be called a quotation junkie. I love discovering a clever, pithy line that articulates a fresh insight or ancient nugget of wisdom, pointing out irony and offering hope. In this post, I would like to share some of my favorite quotes pertinent to raising and guiding young people, which have helped me as a parent and a college consultant. I hope that these pearls of wisdom will give you inspiration as you continue to do the most noble and difficult job in the world: preparing your children for adulthood.

PARENTING

“I was a wonderful parent before I had children.”-Adele Faber

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.” -John Wilmot

“A mother understands what a child does not say.” – Jewish Proverb

“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.”  -Robert A. Heinlein

“We must teach our children to dream with their eyes open.” -Harry Edward

“Don’t limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time.” -Rabbinic saying

“Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain.” -John Locke

“To an adolescent, there is nothing more embarrassing than a parent.” -Dave Barry

“It’s not enough to do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required.” -Sir Winston Churchill

“The most influential of all educational factors is the conversation in a child’s home.” -Sir William Temple

“Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation.” -C. Everet Koop, M.D

SELF-DISCOVERY AND DECISION-MAKING

“Live the life you’ve imagined.” -Henry David Thoreau

“Be yourself: everyone else is taken.” -Oscar Wilde

“If I’m going to sing like someone else, then I don’t need to sing at all.” -Billie Holiday

“If you can dream it, you can do it.” -Walt Disney

“It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.” -Lucille Ball

“All children are gifted. Some just open their presents later than others. “-Anonymous

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.” -The Buddha

“It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.” –Sir Winston Churchill

“No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our lives our made. Destiny is made known silently.” -Agnes De Mille

“Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake.”  -Wallace Stevens

“Once you make a decision, the whole universe will conspire to make it happen.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” -JK Rowling

“Begin with the end in mind.” -Stephen Covey

Related posts: College Applications and the Lost Art of Reading and Writing, Honorable Adulthood, Parents of College-Bound Teens: The Power of “No”, Not Just Getting into College: Parenting for Purpose.

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College Applications: Don’t Follow the Lemmings

When any market, such as real estate, the stock market, or the college market, becomes so competitive that it is difficult to gain a foothold, the wise “investor” is best served by finding the less traveled path. Success means not following the lemmings; rather, today’s college applicant needs to become an alpha consumer, a trendsetter who stays ahead of the curve by finding the “next hot college.”

In  College Applications: The Restaurant Analogy, I wrote: “When looking for a great restaurant, it is not wise to choose the most famous place, the easiest to get to, at 8 PM on Saturday night. This is a no-brainer. Maybe you go at 6:30 or 9:30 PM instead. Or go on a Thursday night. Perhaps you choose a different restaurant altogether, a hidden gem with an innovative new chef; it may require more research to find such a place, but it is well worth it. Or maybe you try a bistro that is a little harder to get to, that may have some inconvenience factors that will discourage other would-be patrons, such as lack of parking space or an urban location that is not gentrified enough for some.”

In the Northeast, there are many excellent but accessible Common Application colleges that offer non-binding early action programs without burdensome supplementary essays, such as Villanova, Northeastern, Marist, Providence, and Fairfield. There are also highly elite early action colleges, such as Georgetown, Tulane, and Boston College.  In addition, there are plenty of state university “priority application” and/or “rolling admissions” programs; for most Northeast kids, a SUNY, Rutgers, Penn State, U Maryland, U Delaware, and U Michigan are probably on their radar screen.

Anything wrong with applying to some of these colleges during fall of senior year? While not too individually customized, it is a reasonable approach. Applying early does help one’s chances in “priority application” and “rolling admissions” programs. Early action programs, however, do NOT help one’s chances. Unlike binding early decision, which gives the institution guaranteed yield and therefore translates to an admissions advantage, EA does not help one’s chances. In fact, as aggregate psychology drives thousands to apply to an attractive school’s EA program, it can overwhelm the admissions department and they may not get to all the applications before the holidays, forcing them to defer candidates whose applications they have not even had a chance to review.

So, if one of these schools is a reach, if everybody in your teen’s senior class is applying there EA, if your kid has not visited the school and does not particularly want to go there, does it really make sense to apply? I know it’s easy, so why not? It is nice to have one school “in the bag” before Christmas. However, it may not be in the bag, especially as more students flock to these EA options, driving up the competitive quality of the applicant pool. This year, in my practice, I noticed that some students, who would have probably been accepted to these EA schools in previous years, were deferred or even denied.

Is this a bad strategy, then? No, but it is better to zero in on EA schools realistic for one’s credentials, and visit/interview to prove “demonstrated interest.” Even better, apply early decision, if your family starts the  process early enough so that your teen can comfortably commit, and if your financial situation allows you to enroll without comparing need-based or merit aid packages in the spring. Early decision is a Faustian bargain that is not for everyone. However, if it is feasible to make a decision six months earlier, rather than prolonging indecision, enabling the applicant to get into a slightly more competitive college, why not consider this option?

I am a believer in geographic adventure. I understand that, as a practical matter, the three-hour radius around one’s hometown allows transport without air travel and inexpensive weekend trips home. But here is the other side to that argument. You only go to college once. Why be so insular and provincial that you believe you can only be happy in your own backyard? How will you ever branch out and develop as a human being? Applicants write sincere essays about study abroad, diversity and global citizenship, and yet so many are afraid to even visit a college outside the region of the United States where they grew up.

As I stated in my Restaurant post, “I am not saying that your kid has a better chance of getting accepted to Case Western Reserve because its admission folks are so bent on getting such a great New Jersey applicant.” There are simply less competitive Northeastern kids applying to many of the “harder to get to” colleges in the Midwest or Southeast.  Confirm this by a little self-directed US News & World Report College Ranking research.

Take two national universities that US News ranks similarly: Georgetown in Washington DC (ranked 23) and Emory in Atlanta (20). Both are on gorgeous campuses adjacent to desirable cities, two hours plus from the NYC metro area, one by plane and one by train (similar price if traveling by Amtrak Acela). Both have great pre-med and pre-law (one has great year-round weather). Georgetown’s acceptance is 20%, Emory’s is 29%. Why the difference? There may be fewer Northeast high performers who are willing to venture forth beyond the cozy Northeast Corridor. I am biased—my son graduates from Emory in 2012—but there are many more examples.

29-ranked Tufts has an acceptance rate of 24%, with its powerful Boston caché.  Consider, however, beautiful Wake Forest in Winston-Salem, ranked higher by US News at 25, with 40% acceptance. The lemmings forgot to apply. Or, look at two schools tied for rank 38: Lehigh, in Bethlehem PA, with 38% acceptance, and Case Western, in Cleveland, with 67% acceptance. Consider two schools at the 60-rank level: Northeastern U (rank 62, 38% acceptance) versus University of Pittsburgh (rank 58, 58% acceptance). Check the tuition price tag (Pitt is public) and recent press on the highly liveable, and yes, artsy, city of Pittsburgh. For equivalently ranked schools, how much is the Boston caché worth?

Let me offer a few comparisons among the elite private liberal arts colleges. Bowdoin, in Maine, has a 6 ranking and 20% acceptance. Carleton, in Minnesota, shares the 6 ranking but has 31% acceptance. If you have not heard of Carleton, chalk it up to Northeastern parochialism, and if you think it’s colder in Minnesota than it is in Maine, think again. Hamilton, in upstate New York, ranks 17, with a 29% acceptance rate, while Grinnell, in Iowa, ranks 19, with a 43% acceptance rate. Just like in the days of the California Gold Rush, to the adventurous go the spoils.

So, alpha consumer about to spend as much as $200K, start looking for the next “hot” school. It’s right under your nose. It is probably an institution that is already highly ranked for academic excellence, but it might not be located in the “sexiest” city. Ask your child to “stretch” just a little, suspend prestige-label consciousness, and visit at least one college that the lemmings have not found.

To offer further insights, I am sharing a segment from a recent interview I did on HomeTowne TV, a local access cable network based in Summit, NJ, hosted by Myung Bondy. You can find additional segments of this interview covering a number of college application topics on my YouTube channel.

Related Posts: College Applications: The Restaurant Analogy, College Consultants: Who Needs’em? Your Target Colleges…And It’s a Moving Target, Why You Should Apply to College Early Decision, and Choosing Colleges in Cool Metro Areas.

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College, Passion, Purpose: Readiness is All

Your teenager has been given all the opportunities you never had growing up. You child has been offered material blessings, an affluent suburban community with a competitive high school, as well as parents willing and able to support his or her expensive extracurricular hobbies and finance spectacular enrichment summer programs and travel. Of course, you will pay for academic tutoring, diagnosis and treatment for learning disabilities or attentional disorders, and college consulting to ensure acceptance at a prestigious college.

It is frustrating, however, to find that all your generous, nurturing support has not yet translated into success for your high school student. Your son or daughter does not seem to be driven (as you undoubtedly were). Your teenager has lackluster grades, does not seem to fully appreciate, or take advantage of, enrichment opportunities, and does not appear to have much of a life mission. Rather than seeing your child go beyond you and your spouse, you have the sinking feeling that your child could become yet another sad example of regression toward the mean.

I have written extensively on the role of adversity in building determination and purpose in a young person’s life in my book and blogs. If you are discouraged, read my posts: Not Just Getting into College: Parenting for Purpose, Antidotes for the Race to Nowhere, The College Process: Dealing with Rejection, and Finding a Job in a Tough Economy.

Throughout our children’s lifetimes and most of our own, we Americans have been blessed with a strong economy, affluence, and peace. Our kids have only recently begun to encounter the impact of a recessionary economy. Perhaps in our own complacency, we have been deceived into believing that our children need a “perfect” environment in order to survive and thrive. Greg Esterbrook challenges this idea in The Progress Paradox: How Life Gets Better While People Feel Worse.

As our Greatest Generation parents or grandparents will confirm, it is adversity that builds inner strength, determination, grit and character. We human beings need adversity just as muscles need resistance to build strength and tone. Ironically, by trying to give our children everything, we may have actually worked against their sense of purpose and their ultimate success.

There is, however, hope for our sheltered, indulged and entitled kids, as there is for every generation. The first thing I advise you to do is, do less, and let your child do more. Then have faith in life, that life will teach your child, and have faith in your son or daughter, who will process those lessons, dig deep within, and find those inner resources. Your young adult will begin to make a shift—I guarantee you–from your ownership to his or hers. Yes, your young adult will genuinely OWN his or her life, find the passion, and the ultimate purpose. You, however, need to get out of your child’s way, as I wrote in How Parents Can Launch Their Young Adult Children By Being, Not Doing.

If you do not see this happening right away, do not become discouraged, because it is happening below the surface. Like gestation in the womb, development is mostly an inner thing; manifestation is a result, a culmination, an end-product, that occurs when everything has finally come together. As I wrote in High School Juniors Apathetic about College Applications?, parents simply need to be patient, because profound growth and tumultuous change is always going on inside an adolescent, and when ready, the young person will care about the future, and begin to prepare for it.

The spiritually wise psychiatrist Dr. Frederic Flach, MD, wrote about the intersection of inner readiness and the serendipity of circumstance in an intriguing book called The Secret Strength of Angels: Seven Virtues to Live By. He presented a powerful quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet: “If it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all.”

Let your child’s life unfold, with life as the teacher.

Related posts: Parents, Teens…and the Dance of College Applications, How Parents Can Launch Their Young Adult Children By Being, Not Doing, Not Just Getting into College: Parenting for Purpose, Helicopter Parents: College and Beyond, and Honorable Adulthood.

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How Parents Can Launch Their Young Adult Children by Being, Not Doing

As a college consultant, I am frequently struck by the fact that many parents who clearly love and want the best for their teenage or young adult children ironically seem to create rebellious, undesirable behavior in their kids or even drive their kids away. I see this painful paradox in parents’ demands for academic achievement; college, major or career decisions; fashion, peer group or dating choices; the list goes on.

So often our actions, intended to create what we see as desirable behavior in our children, actually have the opposite effect. For example, when my son was applying to college, my anxiety about his success led to my micromanagement of the process, frustrating my son and exacerbating his natural teenage boy procrastination. When I backed off, he took more ownership, and then he succeeded. As parents, we have all observed these common sense patterns at work in the dynamic between ourselves and our kids. Yet, it remains tempting to “act” the next time we are anxious, starting the toxic cycle all over again.

Recently, a wise friend, who has been a mentor to me in my journey as a parent, mentioned a phrase I had never heard before: “beneficial presence.”  My psychology background and eclectic spiritual study has introduced me to many profound concepts, but this was new to me. My friend drew this phrase from the teachings of metapsychiatrist Dr. Thomas Hora, excerpted below:

“Let us consider the meaning of a beneficial presence in the world. Beneficence is an activity, while beneficial is a quality… A ‘beneficial presence’ is a quality of consciousness. It may be difficult to conceive of an individual who can be a great blessing to a situation just by the quality of his consciousness. Some people have the best intentions to be helpful, and yet things go sour in their presence. Sometimes we may hear someone exclaim in exasperation, Please, don’t help me! This is the opposite of what we call a beneficial presence… In the presence of a beneficial presence, which is a loving consciousness, things have a tendency to work together for good in an almost mysterious way.”

Simiarly, the renowned Vietnamese Buddhist monk, teacher, author and poet Thich Nhat Hanh once wrote: “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”

It’s just like the ancient Aesop’s Fable about the contest between the Sun and the North Wind to decide which was the stronger of the two. The challenge was to make a passing traveler remove his cloak. However hard the North Wind blew, the traveler only wrapped his cloak tighter, but when the Sun shone, the traveler was overcome with heat and had to take his cloak off.

Have you ever known a person who offered a beneficial presence? You may have gone to that person to vent, and the friend did not say much, yet quietly offered a listening ear, a caring heart, and a safe space in which you could freely explore your feelings. And somehow, that healing exchange helped you find your way. The friend cared, but did not seem overly invested in the action you chose going forward. There was a loving detachment that made you feel unconditionally supported. And it really helped.

Wouldn’t it be great to give our children a gift like that? I, for one, am going to keep trying. Related posts: Senior Year? Learn to Paint, Parents, Teens, and…The Dance of College Applications, Senioritis and What To Do About It,  Helicopter Parents: College and Beyond, and Honorable Adulthood.

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The Importance of Character in Admissions Decisions

 

I clicked on the slide that listed the “Top Ten Factors” that are most important to colleges in making admission decisions, according to the National Association of College Admission Counselors’ annual survey. I had made this presentation numerous times before during my book tour, in many community venues, and I had become accustomed to the questions parents typically ask.

I described each factor in order:

1. Grades in college prep courses.
2. Strength of curriculum.
3. Admission test scores.
4. Grades in all courses.
5. Essays.
6. Demonstrated interest.
7. Teacher recommendations.
8. Counselor recommendations.
9. Class rank.
10. Extracurricular activities.

I answered what experience had told me were the usual questions. “Grades are first on the list, and extracurricular activities are last,” I explained.  “After all, college is an academic institution.” Two hands shot up in the library meeting room. A mother asked, “What about leadership?” Then a father joined in: “What about character?”

I didn’t make up these stats, I thought.  NACAC is the national governing body for college counselors, and this is their authoritative word on what is going on inside the college admissions office. And don’t the findings make intuitive sense, that academic performance would be the essential ingredient in a successful college application? So why is my audience giving me such a hard time?

Nevertheless, their questions prompted serious reflection. Surely college admissions decisions cannot be made on an entirely values-neutral basis, nor would we want them to be. These parents sincerely wanted to know how the personal qualities of a young person can shine through on a college application.

My response to these insightful inquiries was offered extemporaneously by showing how each of the ten factors can reveal the personal strengths of the applicant. With more time to reflect, here is a more thorough response:

Certainly, academic performance demonstrates personal strengths. Beyond pure talent, academic achievement is a result of goal orientation, focus, perseverance, maturity, ability to manage time, and the discipline to postpone gratification. I have worked with ESL immigrants who have graduated from high school with impressive grades and test scores in verbal subjects; clearly, their accomplishments are evidence of not only intelligence, but also determination and old-fashioned hard work.

Essays are a perfect venue for demonstrating such personal strengths as leadership and character. I tell my clients, “Tonality is the most important thing in your essay.” The “entertainment value” of the topic or story is far less critical than the message: what does the essay say about you? If a performing artist writes about the experience of being center stage, and sounds like a self-absorbed diva, that essay is not serving her well. One of the best college essays I have ever read was written by a budding creative writer and photographer, about her after school job as a grocery store cashier. This student saw each customer as a person with a story. The essay demonstrated her keen insights into human beings, her imagination, and her empathy for others.

Teacher and counselor recommendations are significant venues for providing evidence of an applicant’s leadership capabilities and character strengths. When my 85-year-old father-in-law sat in on one of my presentations, he observed that character recommendations played a far more pivotal role in his day. I am sure he is right. In a less heavily populated educational landscape, recommendations by adults who knew the applicant well would naturally carry more weight.

Today, it is not always possible for a guidance counselor to know your teen well (particularly in a large regional public high school); it is possible, however, for a teacher to be a strong advocate, if your student makes an aggressive effort to build personal credibility and rapport. And when it comes to character, it seems better to have another testify to ones character, rather than one asserting one’s own character strengths.

In the extracurricular activities category, leadership can be demonstrated through election or appointment to leadership positions, such as team captain, class president, newspaper editor, band section leader, club founder or president, and so on. Commitment can be shown through “deep” involvement (years, hours). Admissions officers know how to read the Common Application activity section and surmise whether  the student is a leader, committed member, or a casual dilettante.

Interviews did not make the top ten factors, because interviews are not a mandatory part of the admissions decision process in most colleges and universities today. In public institutions, the ratio of admissions staff people to applicants requires a significantly more quantitative approach to admissions decisions in general. Even in private colleges and universities, interviews tend to be conducted by alums, and are considered as optional opportunities for applicants to learn more about the school in a non-evaluative setting. Only the most elite institutions require evaluative interviews.

That said, I recommend that applicants do interviews if possible. Even f they are officially non-evaluative, a strong candidate with a great personal story can shine in an interview. The power of personal connection must never be underestimated.

So to parents out there everywhere, I say, “Yes, character is important in admissions decisions.” But character qualities are the subtle ingredients in these factors that influence admissions decisions. Admissions officers can read between the lines on an application, surmising the character that has translated into accomplishment, as well as the personal qualities more directly expressed in essays, recommendations and interviews. Not to worry. It’s still about character.

 

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Navigating the Road to College: A Handbook for Parents

Three years ago, not long after starting my college admissions consultancy, Position U 4 College LLC, I decided to write a blog to help parents guide their adolescents in the journey from high school to college.

I hoped to offer more than “how-to” advice on the application process (although “how to” is certainly a valuable service). I also wanted to offer some personal observations, from the perspective of a college consultant, psychology aficionado, and of course, a parent of a college student, on the emotional rites of passage that parents and teens experience throughout the complex transition from high school to college.

Like most novice bloggers, I stumbled through creating a WordPress site, making it up as I went along. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was beginning to draw a following of interested readers. It was gratifying to think that an insight, word of empathy, or nugget of advice was helpful to a parent or family “out there” who might be struggling with the stressful dynamics of the college process, or with the bittersweet feelings of actually moving one’s young adult child to college.

Readers, clients and friends began to encourage me to assemble my most popular blogs into a book. So I collaborated with Deborah Ernst, a veteran high school teacher and guidance counselor from Kalamazoo, Michigan, to create Navigating the Road to College: A Handbook for Parents. For further perspective on the book, I invite you to view a video interview I did with Myung Bondy of HomeTowne TV, a local access cable station in Summit, NJ.

As my readers know, I hardly ever post a “commercial” on my blog, but I thought this was an appropriate exception. If you have found my blog helpful, you may find my book to be a valuable resource as well. Visit Amazon.com to purchase, in paperback or Kindle ebook format. If you like it, I would be honored if you’d review it. I value your feedback!

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