The College Process, Not “The Hunger Games”: Networking with Other Families

As a college consultant,  I am often surprised to learn that most families shoulder the stressful, confusing college process in isolation from an obvious, free, rich resource to which they have access: other families. This “go it alone” modus operandi may stem from:  a lack of connection with other families in the teen’s high school; an attempt to protect family privacy by taking a “close-to-the-vest” approach; a secretive strategy rooted in competitive, “zero-sum-game” assumptions; or simply a lack of understanding about how helpful other families can be as a resource. Let me discuss each of these causes in turn.

1. Lack of connection. There are many reasons your family could feel disconnected from other families in your student’s high school. You could be newcomers from a different town, state or country. Your teen may be attending a regional public or private high school in a different town; current classmates are not the neighborhood kids with whom your son or daughter grew up. If your family is comprised of two working parents or a single parent, with long commutes or heavy travel, there may have been no time for involvement with parent-teacher organizations or your kid’s extracurricular activities over the years. Maybe you have a shy temperament and are not outgoing with other parents. Or maybe you see your teen’s high school as his or her world, and you do not feel it is appropriate for you to become overly involved. Perhaps your independent–or rebellious–adolescent does not make you feel welcome.

All these reasons are understandable, but I  encourage you to reach out to other parents as much as your situation allows, as early in your student’s high school career as possible. You will probably find that other parents in the same life stage as yourself can be a source of rich, satisfying friendship for you, which may last even after your adolescent has gone to college. We all need friends, to share rites of passage and all the ups and downs of life.

Having parental cohorts in your teen’s class can keep you “in the know” about so many things: teachers to avoid for Spanish or Pre-Calculus next year; parties to forbid your son to attend because the parents are away and alcohol will definitely be present; or “mean girl” dynamics that may be stressing out your daughter but she cannot tell you about it. I am not talking about interfering in your teen’s life; I am referring to doing the “face time” with parents in your high school community to keep you informed about the world in which your adolescent is growing up. And being connected with parents will help keep you on top of the college application process as well.

2. Keeping “close-to-the-vest.” I understand why families do this. Sometimes it is appropriate, especially in the winter of senior year, when college acceptance stress can be so contagious and you want to protect your child by donning “blinders” to “run one’s own race.” If you have cultivated genuine friendships throughout the high school years, however, you can reach out to at least a few other families for mutual sharing of information and support. This approach is different than blabbing about your child’s applications and play-by-play results to every parent you meet. So keep a low profile if you desire, but try not to isolate yourself and your child from families you consider real friends.

3. Secretive competition. This is utter nonsense. As a college applicant, is your child a competitor? Yes, in a broad sense. If your child wants to get into, say, Columbia University, he or she is competing with some 25,000 applicants from all over the globe, hoping to be one of the lucky ten percent admitted. But your kid is not competing with everyone in your high school.

Ah, you say, but there are ten high-performing students in my kid’s class who have announced that they will apply Early Decision to Columbia this fall (some even wearing T-shirts from their campus visit). Columbia cannot possibly take all ten, so my kid is actually competing directly with his classmates, head to head. True enough. But let’s break that down a little. Your guidance department does not like to be overwhelmed with “ED” applications, and they do not want their credibility tarnished with Ivy admissions committees by sending them unqualified “ED” applicants. Guidance counselors from rigorous independent high schools might actually redirect unqualified Columbia “ED” applicants to institutions more appropriate for their credentials. In our hypothetical story, let’s say a few applicants decide, for whatever reason, to apply somewhere else Early Decision instead.

Let us say that by the time the November First deadline rolls around, there are only five Columbia “ED” applicants left. So, is your child competing directly with those kids mano-a-mano? Yes and no. This is not The Hunger Games.  It is certainly not personal, even though it might sometimes feel that way. Keeping your application strategy “secret,” as though a bona fide “back door” truly existed, will produce an ulcer…  but not necessarily a fat letter from Columbia.

In our hypothetical story, perhaps one of these five applicants has such perfect academic credentials that there is no way your teenager could be preferred on a pure merit basis. All your child can do is achieve to the best of his or her own ability. It gets more complicated if one of the five is a legacy, an underrepresented minority, a “development admit,” a boy, or a champion athlete. These are factors which may or may not enter the picture at any given institution, and over which an individual applicant has no control. These factors certainly cannot be changed by showing a secretive, coy, petty, jaded, cut-throat attitude. No matter what you may personally feel about institutional admissions policies, explicit or inferred, I suggest modeling good sportsmanship for your teen in the college process. PS, if your child does not get into his or her “ED” dream school, do not lose heart: there are over 2600 four year higher education institutions in the US.

4. Lack of understanding of how families can help each other in the college process. Ninety-nine percent of the time, your student is not competing directly “against” his or her best friend (if you choose to view it that way). So you have nothing to lose, and certainly much to give and gain, by collaborating with other parents who are going through the process or have already successfully navigated it with an older child. Networking with other parents can dial down the stress, if you connect with parents who have wise, balanced perspectives, rather than misguided, overly wired parents who infect you with their own high-strung anxiety. 

Consider the following ways in which you can help, or be helped by, another parent in the college process:

• Give or solicit feedback on campus visits, or even travel to a college together

• Become a “connector” between a family who is interested in a given college and another family you know whose child has attended that college

• Become a “connector” between a family whose child is interested in a given career field and a parent you know in that field (or a family whose older child is pursuing that field)

• Exchange information on college resources (local tutors, college consultants, financial aid workshops, books and websites)

Making such supportive networking gestures is more likely to help your child than it is to somehow put your child at a (perceived) competitive disadvantage.  It will also help another young person find his or her way, and whoever said we were put on earth to help only our own children? Even though I get paid for what I do, I consider my college guidance work  “paying it forward” in gratitude to adults who helped me when I was an adolescent; I am a believer in the old adage that “every man is every child’s father.”

Modeling a collaborative attitude is a precious gift to offer your child as he or she goes forth into a world that can easily be perceived as dog-eat-dog. No wonder The Hunger Games film resonated for our teens; they certainly want to succeed, but they also want to retain noble, compassionate qualities. The character Peeta, “struggling with how to maintain his identity…his purity of self,” makes a declaration that I believe rings true for idealistic adolescents: “I keep wishing I could think of a way…. to show… they don’t own me. That I’m more than just a piece in their Games.”

Networking with other parents in the college process is just one more way of demonstrating that being supportive of others is a way to achieve in life, while still retaining one’s caring ideals.

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Admitted Students Day: A Different Kind of College Visit

As April First approaches, your high school senior has probably already received responses from some prospective colleges. Certainly in a few weeks, all the returns will be in.  You will soon have three pieces of information on the table to help your teen make the decision of which college to attend.

1. Acceptance, Wait List, or Denial. This feedback is the college’s decision about the applicant. Obviously, acceptance means your student is in the driver’s seat.

If your student is waitlisted at a school that is still your teen’s first choice, your student should  inform the guidance counselor and communicate it directly with admissions as well. But make sure that a deposit is sent in by May 1 to a school your student would very much like to attend which has outright admitted him or her. For further advice, take a look at my post: Waiting for the “Fat Envelope.“

If your student has been denied at a top choice school, it may be emotionally difficult (although spring denials tend to be counterbalanced by acceptances, with a less “all-or-nothing” feeling than December denials). This is an opportunity to offer parental support for a painful, but valuable, life learning experience. See my posts: College Acceptances and Denials: The Best and Worst Things that Could Happen and The College Process: Dealing with Rejection.

2. Financial Packages. With the acceptance letter or shortly thereafter, your family will receive information on the college or university’s need-based and/or merit-based financial award package for your child. For most families, this information will be pivotal in determining the final choice between college acceptances. For advice on comparing packages, read my post, Waiting for the “Fat Envelope.“

3. Admitted Students Day. In April, many colleges and universities host an open house day, or even an entire weekend, for accepted students to visit the campus before making their decision. I encourage you to begin planning visits to schools to which your student has already been accepted, or where you expect he or she will gain admission (register online). Hopefully, admitted students day will not be your teen’s first visit to the campus (see I’ll Only Visit Colleges I Get Into). This time, however, the focus will be different. The college is now trying to “sell”  the admitted student and family on actually enrolling. Your son or daughter will now be in the choosing position, “kicking the tires” and making sure this is the place where he or she will really want to spend the next few years.

Admitted students day is an incredible opportunity, not only to enjoy a congratulatory celebration among fellow accepted freshmen, but to do true due diligence. Typical offerings are student panels, performing arts events, exposure to a classroom experience, student organization fairs, sports activities, financial aid discussions, and campus/dorm tours. Some schools will even allow an admitted student to shadow a current student for a day, or host an admitted student for an overnight stay: a chance to really see what campus life is all about! Take a look at schedules for a sampling of colleges: College of William and Mary, Colgate University, Skidmore College, University of Richmond, Lafayette College, Connecticut College and Emory University.

It is once again essential to play the role of an anthropologist, just as your family did during that first visit months ago, making every effort to research and observe the campus culture so that your teen can assess his or her fit, as I described in Tips for College Trips. The video below shows an example of how one student accepted at Brandeis University took full advantage of admitted students day to ask questions and learn what it would really be like to attend the school:

There are only so many weekends in April. Some schools have more than one admitted students days, and some center it around one big weekend, so it helps to be on top of organizing these trips as early as possible, saving the obvious dates and registering as soon as you can. If attending an accepted students day is not possible due to scheduling or cost, some schools offer regional receptions. Example: Vanderbilt University. Virtual contact with the school through social media has also become a great way to connect with the college and fellow accepted students. Example: Denison Class of 2015 Facebook Page.

There is another difference between an admitted students day visit and campus trips of the past. Before, you and your student were window shopping. Now, it is coming down to a decision. It can be emotionally stressful, especially if your family is comparing two or more colleges on multiple criteria, ranging from financial award packages to academic programs  to size of the freshman dorms. There may be added pressure if your student is also on a waiting list for the school that was originally at the top of his or her list. And time is of the essence, knowing the decision must be made before May First.

The decision-making process will certainly be easier if it is not the first time your student has visited the campus. As a parent, you can prepare by crunching the numbers on affordability of each acceptance option as soon as you have need and merit-based financial aid information in hand. But there will be late-April game-changers, such as your student’s reaction to new information at an admitted students event or moving off a waiting list. So stay flexible, be ready for late night discussions, and offer patient support as your adolescent makes the first big decision in his or her life.

Related posts: March Madness: College Acceptance, Waitlist, Denial…and Money,   Waiting for the “Fat Envelope“,  I’ll Only Visit Colleges I Get Into,  Tips for College Trips, Video Interview: The College Visit, Decision-Making 101, Standing Out on the Waiting List, Last Chance College Admission Opportunities, First Day of May.

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A College Consultant’s “Words to Live By”

As a longtime fan of QuoteGarden, ThinkExist, and BrainyQuote, and a recent convert to Pinterest, I could definitely be called a quotation junkie. I love discovering a clever, pithy line that articulates a fresh insight or ancient nugget of wisdom, pointing out irony and offering hope. In this post, I would like to share some of my favorite quotes pertinent to raising and guiding young people, which have helped me as a parent and a college consultant. I hope that these pearls of wisdom will give you inspiration as you continue to do the most noble and difficult job in the world: preparing your children for adulthood.

PARENTING

“I was a wonderful parent before I had children.”-Adele Faber

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.” -John Wilmot

“A mother understands what a child does not say.” – Jewish Proverb

“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.”  -Robert A. Heinlein

“We must teach our children to dream with their eyes open.” -Harry Edward

“Don’t limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time.” -Rabbinic saying

“Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain.” -John Locke

“To an adolescent, there is nothing more embarrassing than a parent.” -Dave Barry

“It’s not enough to do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required.” -Sir Winston Churchill

“The most influential of all educational factors is the conversation in a child’s home.” -Sir William Temple

“Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation.” -C. Everet Koop, M.D

SELF-DISCOVERY AND DECISION-MAKING

“Live the life you’ve imagined.” -Henry David Thoreau

“Be yourself: everyone else is taken.” -Oscar Wilde

“If I’m going to sing like someone else, then I don’t need to sing at all.” -Billie Holiday

“If you can dream it, you can do it.” -Walt Disney

“It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.” -Lucille Ball

“All children are gifted. Some just open their presents later than others. “-Anonymous

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.” -The Buddha

“It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.” –Sir Winston Churchill

“No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our lives our made. Destiny is made known silently.” -Agnes De Mille

“Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake.”  -Wallace Stevens

“Once you make a decision, the whole universe will conspire to make it happen.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” -JK Rowling

“Begin with the end in mind.” -Stephen Covey

Related posts: College Applications and the Lost Art of Reading and Writing, Honorable Adulthood, Parents of College-Bound Teens: The Power of “No”, Not Just Getting into College: Parenting for Purpose.

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Parents of College-Bound Teens: The Power of “No”

When my son hit the terrible two’s,  I received a rather unwelcome crash course in boundary-setting, from none other than my mother-in-law, who casually observed, “Love is spelled N-O.” As a know-it-all Mozart-in-utero Baby Boomer, I did not exactly relish receiving parenting advice from the Greatest Generation, but her simple words resonated. I never forgot them.

As a consultant to families of college-bound teens or young adults preparing for careers, I routinely see cumulative results of parenting style in the student’s academic profile. In the 1970’s, psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three distinct parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. Her research found that these styles varied their mix of four elements: responsive vs. unresponsive, demanding vs. undemanding. 

Authoritarian parents are demanding but not responsive. This style is characterized by high expectations of compliance to parental rules, with little open dialogue between parent and child. Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive. They encourage children to be independent but still place limits and controls on their actions. Permissive parents are responsive but not demanding. This indulgent style is characterized by having few behavioral expectations for one’s child. Parents are nurturing, accepting, and responsive to their kids’ wishes, but do not require kids to behave appropriately. Maccoby & Martin added a fourth style: neglectful or uninvolved parenting, in which parents are neither responsive nor demanding. 

A recent teen alcohol study found that teens least prone to heavy drinking had authoritative parents (high on accountability and warmth). “Totalitarian” parents doubled their teens’ risk of heavy drinking, while “indulgent” parents actually tripled the risk. Being your kid’s “buddy” can have severe consequences.

The most desirable style is authoritative parenting, in which Mom and Dad are warm and involved, but also set consistent, firm boundaries. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Much easier said than done, but also an essential goal for parents. Why should a college counselor blog about this?

It is an unfortunate, but common, experience for me to see a student with above average SATs, but below average grades, even without rigorous courses. The student typically attends public high school in an affluent suburb. The student has no hardships that would interfere with academic performance: no tragic family situations, language barrier, part-time employment, or disabilities beyond mild ADHD.

So what is wrong? There are three common contexts, but the root cause, in my humble opinion, is the parenting style.

1. Extracurricular activities. Often, the student is busy with performing arts or athletics, which draw significant time and effort away from academics. So I suggest dialing down extracurriculars. Sounds reasonable enough. But curiously, the parents, who appear genuinely worried about their teen’s college prospects, do not consider this factor as something within their control.

With boys in particular, passionate devotion to sports may be driven by hunger to win the approval of a charismatic coach. Certainly, there is a testosterone element (i.e., a need to demonstrate physical prowess and win in a competitive arena). However, the coach may also be filling the powerful, constructive role of an authoritative parent. A good coach clarifies the connection between behavior and consequences; if a player does not show up for practice, he gets benched. If teachers and parents are not able to engage this boy, but the coach can, what is that coach doing right and what can be learned from him?

Remember the brilliant Stephen Spielberg film, Catch Me If You Can, based on the life of Frank Abagnale, Jr., who, before his nineteenth birthday, successfully performed cons worth millions of dollars by posing as a Pan Am pilot, a Georgia doctor, and a Louisiana lawyer. Abagnale (Leo DiCaprio) had an indulgent, excuse-making father (Christopher Walken), whose poor role modeling led to his son’s sociopathic behavior. The gruff FBI agent (Tom Hanks), who chased Abagnale across the globe, actually became a father figure because he set a moral standard for this young man. Ironically, it was the FBI agent whom Abagnale phoned on Christmas while on the lam, responding to the law officer’s persevering “tough love.” The FBI agent was the first alpha male who ever told this kid no.

2. Social life. Years ago, I heard a parent complain that her high school son did not come home until two in the morning on weekends. When I mentioned the word “curfew,” she seemed shocked at such an old-fashioned idea. Of course, I would be worried about a seventeen-year-old’s physical safety, the possibility that he may be abusing alcohol or drugs, getting a girl pregnant, or getting arrested, if he is routinely coming home at 2 AM. But I would also be concerned that he is not learning to set boundaries, since none have been created for him by his parents.

It is no wonder that a boy like this does not care about his grades, because there is a connection between limit-setting for social behavior and his own ability to internalize standards, set goals for himself, and deliver on them. When this young man goes to college, he will lack the inner tools to get up in the morning and go to class, study instead of party, and graduate with a decent academic record that will land him a job in a tough economy.

When a child grows up in a household without limits, it is actually quite scary for him, because he is developing no inner architecture to deal with life. I am reminded of Pinocchio‘s Pleasure Island, where orphaned, unsupervised boys could lawlessly pursue vices; they became “jackasses,” and then were magically changed into real donkeys and sold to the salt mines. Even as a kid, I felt sorry for those little cartoon donkeys  and wished I could warn them before it was too late. This nightmarish metaphor is full of painful truth: teens whose parents set no boundaries find themselves consigned to a suboptimal life trajectory. Hopefully, the limits we set for our kids will be internalized as a conscience (i.e., Jiminy Cricket), helping them conquer life’s adversities and ultimately take responsibility to become “real”  young adults: brave, unselfish and true.

3. Electronic distractions. For boys, electronics can mean escapist, addictive “shoot’em-up” video games. For both genders, social media can take over all free time. But in the end, it is about boundaries, set by parents, and consequently internalized by the adolescent. Parents who feel helpless about requiring that electronics be turned off during evening homework time have a boundary problem. They have more power than they realize, but they are afraid to use it. What are they afraid of? Uncomfortable conflict, an embarrassing scene, their child’s disapproval or rejection, not being a pal, not being liked? But they really need to be more afraid of the alternative. All they need to say is “N-O.”

And that’s how you spell love.

Relevant reading: The Male Brain by L. Brizendine, Boys Adrift: Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men by L. Sax, and Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens by L. Kastner. Related posts: Not Just Getting into College: Parenting for Purpose, First Aid for a Disappointing Grade, Amy Chua: Everybody Needs a Tiger, No Guts, No Glory, and Honorable Adulthood.

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College Freshmen Home for Thanksgiving

I am featuring this classic post I wrote in 2009 about Thanksgiving this week. Whether you are the parent of a high school senior, a college freshman, a college senior, or any kid in between, Thanksgiving is an important marker and rite of passage. Approach it with thoughtfulness—and gratitude.

It’s yet another rite of passage for college freshmen.

For some, it is the first time they will be home since they left for college in August. For others, it is the first time they will see their core group of high school friends. For all, it’s an opportunity to touch base with “the mother ship” before final exams, feasting on nostalgic comfort food during football halftime. And a time for “taking stock” of their freshman experience so far. What to expect? Change.

Your returning young adult is not the high school student you moved into the dorm in August. He or she has gone through an enormous level of change! Your freshman has taken many steps toward independent adulthood, ranging from waking on her own (without your nagging) to returning at night when she chooses (without asking permision, a curfew, or “reporting in” to anyone).

To prepare for your young adult’s return, I suggest reading: Don’t Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years by H.E. Johnson, or the classic, Letting Go (5E): A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years by K.L. Coburn. If you don’t have time for a whole book, skim  “Thanksgiving Break Survival Tips” at About.com. Do your son or daughter and favor by avoiding obnoxious parentisms described from a student’s point of view in the hilarious article “Welcome Home, Honey!” at CollegeCandy.com.

How will you deal with these changes? You know you can’t freeze your freshman in time; you must respect his or her new autonomy. But you also have a right to set boundaries at home. A curfew, or at least agreement on when he or she will come home, is appropriate for holiday visits. Returning to the dorm at 4 AM may be ok, but not at home where a night owl’s schedule clashes with parents and siblings. Campus security may ignore rowdy students wandering in the wee hours, but suburban police will not. This is a great time to distinguish between college and home “house rules.”

Your freshman may be surprised that he or she  is not the only one who has gone through changes. Parents and siblings change too. Family dynamics are altered when a key player has been removed from the scene. For an in-depth look, check out my post: “When Big Brother or Sister Goes to College.” The freshman’s return may conflict with new patterns that are just being established. It may take  time for everyone to readjust.

As a parent, you may desire more “rebonding” than fits your freshman’s comfort level, disappointed when he or she wants to go out with friends rather than sit at the dinner table and recount the college experience with you ad nauseum. Or,  if  you’ve just become an “empty nester,” you may be surprised at how quickly you’ve become used to your own independence from parenthood. You’re not geared to “waiting up” at night anymore, twiddling your thumbs until you hear the car in the driveway. You no longer have patience for picking up half-empty soda cans everywhere in the family room, as endearing as they are.

Thanksgiving is classically known as a time of truth for freshmen reconnecting with high school friends. For many, this first semester is characterized by “friendsickness,” (see my post), a grieving period for friends from home. Finally having a face-to-face meeting with old friends offers reassurance that some pals are “keepers”, or the realization that it is time to “move on” from other friendships.

Dating relationships often come to a pivotal inflection point now. Freshmen with long distance relationships with high school sweethearts may decide to continue exclusively, date only when both are home, break up altogether, or morph into a friendship. A while back, a parent introduced me to “the turkey drop,” a coinage for a Thanksgiving break up. Parents need to remember that there is no “right” outcome: each relationship will run its natural course.

Be prepared for anything when your young adult comes home, from physical changes such as the “Freshman 15” to evidence of emotional crises (anxiety, depression, eating disorders, substance abuse). A good primer on recognizing adolescents’ psychological issues is College of the Overwhelmed: The Campus Mental Health Crisis and What To Do About It by R. Kadison. If you were too scared to buy it before college, read Binge: What Your College Student Won’t Tell You by B. Seaman, for a reality check about alcohol excess and other toxic elements of college life. Knowing is better than not knowing!

Be ready for bombshells, such as: “I want to transfer.”  This is common, if a student does not yet feel connected with new friends, is disillusioned by the college experience, or senses a mismatch between his goals and the school’s programs. I recommend a wait-and-see attitude, underscoring the need for a strong GPA to maximize flexibility. Often the student feels better by spring, and the transfer idea dissipates (but earned a good GPA just in case: yippee!). If the transfer need is real, it will persist, in which case you’re still glad your freshman earned that strong GPA.

One thing that does not change is your family pet’s eagerness to welcome your freshman home. When our son returned for Thanksgiving as a freshman, our Shelties were thrilled, especially the older one who grew up with him. Like the patriarchal golden retriever Shadow in Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey, our old Blaze became a puppy again when reunited with “his boy.” I know my son will come home one day to a change in this situation: one more change to process. This Thanksgiving, we’re thankful it’s not yet.

Update from my book Navigating the Road to College: A Handbook for Parents: In Eric’s sophomore year, his beloved canine companion turned fourteen. In fact, wise old Blaze chose that day for his own passing: his fourteenth birthday was also the day after our son returned to Emory following winter break. Somehow Blaze seemed to know that “his boy” was becoming independent, approaching that original goal of honorable adulthood. A class act till the end, he knew it was time for him to go.

Related posts: College Family Weekends: Forever Jung, Thanksgiving for Parents of College Kids, The Move to College as Group Therapy, College Transfers: Why or Why Not? Honorable Adulthood and Empty Nester Holiday Blues.

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Get Online College Applications Done This Summer!

Update of last year’s popular post: Your rising senior is finishing up summer camp, courses, or travel programs. And you know what’s looming up ahead: the thankless task of nagging your teen to work through the 2012 Common Application, launching MONDAY, AUGUST FIRST.

How hard can it be, just filling out a few online forms? Isn’t it the essay that’s the real killer? Depends on the student. But even the block-and-tackle part of college applications, filling out endless forms, can be a source of  tension in parent-teen relationships. At 17, an adolescent is experiencing a strong drive for autonomy, which flies in the face of a parent constantly nagging, “Finish that Common App, dear!”

Last year I wrote a post, “Senior year? Learn to paint!” with advice on how parents can engage in their own projects to ward off their own college admissions stress, stay out of their kids’ hair and keep tabs on their kids’ progress without micromanaging.

For comic relief, we can all remember the famous skit from The Amanda Show, where “The Procrastinator” superhero tells her Mom she will get to every emergency “eventually…”. For teenagers, that’s perfectly fitting for the college process.

But wouldn’t it be nice to wake up one morning and find out your kid filled out the Common App, and even a few state university online apps, and now only the essays remain? Wouldn’t it be even more of a relief to have those forms completed this summer, before the stressful senior year fall begins? If your student intends to apply Early Action or Early Decision, getting the online application filled out tout de suite is one more thing that becomes essential.

Last summer and fall, I piloted several Common Application “walk-through” workshops at our Position U 4 College office in Basking Ridge NJ. Students brought their laptops, and they were guided through the Common App. All they needed to do in advance was prepare an extracurricular activity list. Junk food was provided for fuel. Kids found it relatively painless, and parents were relieved.

I co-taught this workshop with a veteran high school teacher from NY’s Hudson Valley, Mr. Alfred “Doc” Snider. Doc’s teaching skills and knowledge of the Common App helped students get “ahead of the curve” . He introduced students to the subtleties of the Common App, such as how to do more than one version of one’s application,  arts and athletic supplements,  and much more.

In 2011, we broadcast a live webinar of this walk-through workshop. If you missed it, and would like your high school student to be guided through the Common App by experts, we offer access to a video version of that webinar, as well as other powerful information to help ace the college process, through a lifetime online membership for ten bucks. An easy way to relieve stress and get it done right.

 

Related reading: Acing the College Application by Michele Hernandez, Secrets to Writing a Great Common App by Sandy Yu et al. Related Web sites: Common Application FAQs  and Online Tutorial. Related posts: Tricks and Treats of the Common Application, Part I, Tricks and Treats of the Common Application Part II, and  PU4C Calendar for High School Juniors, Part II.

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The Move to College as “Group Therapy”

Years ago, I sat in a graduate psychology class on family systems therapy. The first day, our professor asked us to reflect on our families of origin, and introduce ourselves to the class by giving a one-word description of our family role. Students mentioned a wide spectrum of fascinating labels: peacemaker, hero, troublemaker, golden child, scapegoat, invisible child, baby of the family, nurturer, protector, rebel, black sheep, and so on.

Studying group dynamics gave me insights into the workings of all social groups, from sled dog teams to human families. It naturally affects the way I view launching an adolescent from high school to college.

In psychobabble, a group is two or more individuals connected by social relationships. Since they interact and influence each other, groups develop dynamic processes such as: roles, norms, communication styles, patterns of dominance, team effectiveness, and ways of handling conflict. Individual members unconsciously “carry” emotions for the group: one voices the group’s anger, another expresses the group’s anxiety, compassion, vulnerability, idealism, and so forth.

The nuclear family starts as a couple, with the addition of children; each individual   who joins the group alters its dynamics. When my niece learned, at age four, that she would soon have a baby sister, she exclaimed dramatically, “Oh no! It’s the end of my perfect life.”

In the life of any family, there are comings and goings. Parents may leave the family unit due to divorce or death; new adults join as significant others or marriage partners, perhaps bringing stepchildren into the mix. Extended family members may move into the home due to eldercare, illness, unemployment, or other domestic situations. Children grow up and go to college, join the military, or marry. All these movements disrupt and ultimately recreate the family unit, changing roles and expectations over time. A family is therefore never a rigid institution; it is a dynamic work-in-process.

So everyone with a family member about to go to college is in for a new experience. It’s not just about the freshman who is going, or the parents waving goodbye. Each sibling is changed by the withdrawal of a brother or sister from daily life at home.

As I mentioned in a post several years ago, When Big Brother or Sister Goes to College, siblings’ processing of the move to college is often an unexpectedly significant experience. A sibling’s reaction to leaving, or being left behind, is as unique, complex and individual as each sibling’s self-image, temperament, and historical role within the family.

When the first-born daughter of family friends was leaving for college a decade back, I attempted to comfort the more reserved younger daughter, who was trying to prepare emotionally for her beloved sister’s departure. The two siblings had a close relationship, and I knew they would miss each other. Trying to find the silver lining, I said, “Now your parents will be able to give you their full attention!” After a few moments of silence, she replied, “Yeah. That’s what I’m afraid of!”

Recently, when my older niece left for college, her middle school sister welcomed the chance to take center stage. Both bright and talented girls, there had always been competition between them. Covering her sibling’s high school graduation photo with her hands, the younger niece triumphantly proclaimed, “Sister no more!”

When one family member exits the stage of daily life, group dynamics psychologists tell us, the comfortable historical patterns are disrupted. Whether healthy or dysfunctional, the family has achieved a delicate balance over the years. Now everyone at home is suddenly thrown into a state of disequilibrium, temporary but disorienting chaos.

The remaining family members scramble to adjust, to compensate for the role that has been relinquished. Who will become the “peacemaker” now that the “peacemaker” has left for college? The troublemaker, the worrier, the life of the party, the angry one, the analyzer, the soother, the communicator, the justice seeker?

Our society has given the “empty nest syndrome” great attention. It is a complex phenomenon, driven by many forces, notably cultural attitudes about women, marriage and aging. However, when an only child or last child leaves home, the  emotional upheaval is about group dynamics as well. Three may be a crowd, but it also offers an “other” focus for parents. When that focus is removed, the couple find themselves in a dual partnership once again, after two or three decades.

The new empty nest partnership can be a daunting challenge, particularly if the spouses have not been able to address issues in their marriage during the demanding task of raising a family.  It is not a surprise that sometimes a separation or divorce may follow the last child’s move to college. Such a path is painful for parents and the college student, but with hard work it can hopefully lead to satisfying individual lives for the parents and young adult who has left home.

For most couples, it is a time of transition and readjustment, of focusing on each other clearly with the eighteen year “project” no longer center stage. Hopefully, the couple can rediscover the qualities that drew them together in the first place, and appreciate the strengths that have evolved in the partner during the childrearing years.

Like all life’s changes, the move to college is an opportunity for every member of the family to learn more about oneself, individually and in relation to others. It is a time for for reflection, understanding, and empathy, as well as trying out new roles and identities within the family. The move to college can be group therapy… a hidden opportunity for each family member’s personal growth.

For those new to my blog, many of my posts are practical advice about the college process. Some, like these, are reflections on the emotional rites of passage that underlie the launching of a young adult from high school to college. Related posts: No Guts, No Glory, Letting Go, Off to College: The Hero’s Journey, College Family Weekends: Forever Jung, When Big Brother or Sister Goes to College.

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The Summer Between High School and College

I just finished reading “A Pre-College Summer To-Do List,” an excellent article in NY Times “The Choice”  Blog. Education journalist Jacques Steinberg asked Lynn Jacobs and Jeremy Hyman, authors of  The Secrets of College Success, for some tips on what high school graduates should be doing to prepare for freshman year of college over the summer.

The authors’ advice and readers’ comments offered a rich array of perspectives on how this unique summer should be spent. I welcome you to read it yourself and see what rings true for your graduate and your family. Meanwhile, here are a few tips that I often share with my clients.

1. Give your graduate a break from “resume-building” activities. The college process has become so competitive in recent years. Your graduate has been doing intense “resume-building” extracurricular activities for many summers, and will probably be pursuing demanding internships for many college and grad school summers to come. These kids have just finished a stressful run-for-the-roses, and the last thing they need is an overscheduled summer. This summer is the only one where your grad has the luxury of stepping outside that “Race to Nowhere” mindset.

Remember that we all need a little ebb and flow, with a balance between up time and down time. Personal trainers advise skipping a day between resistance strength training to allow muscle recovery. Prolonged sleep deprivation so damages physiological functions that it is used in interrogation and considered torture by some. Crop rotation or fallowing a field prevents soil fertility decline that can occur from growing the same crop in the same place for consecutive years, disproportionately depleting the soil of the same nutrients. Mental silence associated with meditation is linked to robust mental health benefits; after a recent weekend of silent meditation at the New York Zen Mountain Monastery, I personally experienced powerful recharging and renewal.

2. Give your graduate’s fried brain a rest. Every high school senior’s experience is different, but most students bound for competitive colleges have not spent their senior year staring out the window. Many have been busting their humps taking AP (Advanced Placement) courses or doing senior projects. My clients often report that they are simply mentally exhausted at the end of senior year. They need some time to recharge and renew before plunging into freshman year academics!

The above notwithstanding…..

3. Despite how burnt out your graduate is, don’t cave in and allow him or her to “do nothing.” Out of sympathy for how hard your senior has been working, you may be tempted to just let the kid stay up late on Facebook or go out with friends (a recipe for underage drinking and driving tragedies), then sleep until noon every day. Don’t give in to this temptation. Lack of structure during the pre-college summer could set your teenager up for failure in college, where it is easy to party late and then sleep through morning classes.

This pattern also sets up an unhealthy dynamic at home, in which parents get up and engage in adult responsibilities, while the adolescent is curiously exempt. Two shifts are operating in the household, night shift for the kid and day shift for everybody else. This structureless pattern may continue every time your college student returns home, for holiday breaks, summers, and perhaps even after college graduation.

Unfortunately, this pattern often encourages an assumption that the young person has no obligations at home, such as cleaning one’s room, doing one’s laundry, or washing one’s dishes. I recall the old Billy Joel line, “Well, you’re twenty-one and still your mother makes your bed, and that’s too long…”

The old saw, “an idle mind is the devil’s playground,” does not only apply to juvenile delinquents who fill a “structure vaccuum” with mischief, as might be suspected by the SNL Church Lady. Intelligent, creative, perfectionistic, analytical, conscientious young people may be especially prone to mental health conditions such as OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). A non-structured waiting period before a new, challenging life chapter (like college) could be a recipe for heightened anxiety and mental anguish for such individuals.

4. I agree with the authors that transformative, give-back experiences are ideal pursuits for the pre-college summer. However, I encourage families to consider experiences not jaded by “resume-building” goals. These experiences should be simple and engaging but not overthought, and done for their own sake, not for earning brownie points on an application someday. For the time being, your graduate is “so done” with that kind of thing.

I encourage simplicity, such as volunteering at the YMCA or local animal shelter. Becoming a counselor-in-training at a beloved camp provides purposeful activity, as well as emotional grounding with one’s “camp family” before going off to college. How about a church youth group service trip to Appalachia, funded by car washes and spaghetti dinners? For inexpensive, simple but meaningful ideas, check out Sheryl Kane’s Volunteer Vacations across America.

5. Paid employment is a great way to add structure and purpose to the pre-college summer.  Your kid can’t sleep till noon if he or she has to get up to work at the grocery store. Many teens have never had the experience of working at a minimum wage job, because they have been too busy building their credentials for college. But this summer offers the perfect opportunity to develop the kind of “show up on time and smile–even if you’re bored” responsibility that only a paid job can offer. A job can offer distraction from pre-college anxiety, and a chance to practice the social skills needed to connect with new people.

Earning money may help your adolescent to appreciate the educational investment you are about to make as well (for private colleges, $200K+). Realizing (experientially) that college costs money may motivate your teen to get up on time next fall and go to class!

Related posts: College Dorm Checklist: A Sneak Peek!, The College Transition Bible, College Orientation Rites, Letting Go (Back by Popular Demand), Off to College: The Hero’s Journey, Ten Ways for Teens to Spend the Summer.

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Why Study Liberal Arts in College?

Lynn O’Shaughnessy, higher education journalist, author of The College Solution, and expert on all things college and financial at the College Solution Blog and CBS Money Watch, recently wrote a thought-provoking piece called “8 Reasons Not to Get A Business Degree.”

I highly recommend Lynn’s post for high school students considering college major choices. In an economy with high unemployment, parents are concerned that their kids will graduate with no job prospects. Anxious parents might consequently suggest (not so subtly) that their kids major in something “practical, like business.”

As a college consultant, I am often privy to conflicts between teens, interested in pursuing an “artsy” major, and parents, who want to protect their children by guiding them to acquire a practical, saleable skill. Parents are not only anxious about their kids’ job prospects in the “real world,” but they are all too aware that they are about to invest as much as $200K (for a private education), and they don’t want to see it “wasted.”Good news for both parents and teens locked in this dilemma. Lynn O’Shaughnessy points out in her post that employers favor liberal arts majors because of their critical thinking, communications and teamwork skills.

In my recent post, “Liberal Arts and the Real World,” in careerblog for college students, I suggest three approaches for translating one’s liberal or fine arts study into a career. These approaches range from close-in, purist applications of one’s major to broader applications, which require thinking “outside the box.”

1. Prepare for a career in the same content area as your major. This is the purist approach for virtuosos. Example: a conservatory musician who lands a rarely available position in a big city symphony.

2. Translate your major into a more broadly saleable version of your content area. This approach requires technical content skills with an added talent, like a gift for teaching or mentoring. Example: a music major who takes the music education track and gains teaching certification.

3. Transfer the core skills required in your major to a more broadly salesable content area drawing upon the same fundamental competencies. This requires truly thinking outside the box. Example: a mathematics major who translates analytical capability into a career in intelligence cryptology or econometrics. This kind of translation often involves additional coursework or a graduate degree.

The translation of a major in the liberal or fine arts to a “real world” career is a journey your young adult will eventually need to embrace mid-way through college. However, your high school student is not ready for that. To discuss practicality now is getting the cart before the horse. At this stage, the adolescent’s pivotal task is to determine what he or she authentically loves.

My father, a second generation Italian immigrant, Depression survivor and WWII army officer, drove a truck to pay for his accounting degree and became a private practice CPA. When I broke the news to him that I wanted to major in psychology at University of Pennsylvania, Dad was horrified. “What are you going to do with that?” he queried. I felt ridiculed, but in retrospect, I know that Dad was simply worried that I would starve to death.

Psychology was a passion for me. In my mind, it was the foundation for all other disciplines. If I had been “forced” to study something God-awful like accounting (remember Monty Python’s Vocational Guidance Counselor?) I would have flunked out. But studying something I loved fueled my intensity and creativity; the “work” seemed like play, and I graduated Summa Cum Laude.

Afterward, I earned a Wharton MBA in marketing, the ultimate practical application of psychology. Marketing is all about human attitudes, decision-making and behavioral motivation. I was fully prepared for all of that through my undergraduate  major. (But I still hate accounting.)

We have all known adults who once majored in something that would guarantee a job, but did not offer long term fulfillment. When my son was taking his first fencing class, I noticed a Dad in the back of the gym, studying a biology textbook while our sons sparred. The man explained that he was taking postbaccalaureate premedicine courses, seeking to become a veterinarian after his career in business. I said I admired his midlife decision,  but acknowledged it would be a long haul, especially while raising a family. Our boys ended up attending the same high school. By the time they graduated, the other boy’s father had completed his remarkably challenging transition. Today he is a practicing veterinarian here in Basking Ridge.

I believe we all have callings in life. Sometimes they are vocations, sometimes avocations. Sometimes we need to take another path before we find our true calling. But choosing one’s life work is a very personal thing, and as parents, I believe we can best help by being deep listeners who encourage our children to follow their inner inclinations. A student’s undergraduate major may become his or her ultimate trade, or it may simply offer the opportunity to explore one’s talents and more deeply appreciate life. One thing is sure, becoming educated in one’s area of deepest passion is always worthwhile.

I once worked with a young interior designer whose father owned a successful furniture refinishing business. He had been a music major in college, but his career was one of artistic sublimation.

The designer and I were driving to a furniture showroom one day, and she asked if we could take a detour through the heavily wooded Watchung Reservation. As we drove through the forest on that fresh spring day, I heard the bright, clarion call of a solo trumpet, resurrecting Purcell’s Voluntary against the backdrop of breezes and birdsongs. “That’s my Dad,” she told me proudly. “Sometimes on his lunch hour, he sneaks out here to play. He thinks it’s a secret, but I know playing his trumpet in the forest is Dad’s great joy.” No matter what your child chooses to do in life, no education is ever wasted.

Related posts: Liberal Arts and the Real World, Finding the Best College for Your Major, Do You Need a Passion to Get Into College?, Public vs. Private Universities or Liberal Arts Colleges.

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Amy Chua: Everybody Needs a Tiger

Last week’s post, “Amy Chua: The Lady or the Tiger” drew heavy response from my readers. As I followed the viral web response to Amy Chua‘s controversial memoir, The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. a plethora of new blog ideas swirled in my head. Well, at least one more.

Everybody needs a Tiger.

No, I don’t mean that everyone needs a Chinese mother like Amy Chua, with her harsh, verbally abusive style. That’s the side of the inconoclastic Yale law professor that we’d all prefer to jettison; in retrospect, she probably would, too.

But wait, let’s not throw the baby out with the proverbial bathwater. What worked in Amy Chua’s Eastern parenting approach, and what can we all learn from it? The secret of success there, in my view, is the power of one-on-one. It’s the power of having an adult champion. Every child can benefit from having a passionate tutor who believes in her, who works with her one-to-one, pushes her to do her best, will not give up on her, and will not let her give up on herself.

We need to look no further than The Miracle Worker for proof of the life-changing power of one-on-one. It was the intensely devoted tutor  Anne Sullivan who unlocked the power of language for deafblind prodigy Helen Keller over a century ago. As a child, I was awestruck by the persevering tough love portrayed by Anne Bancroft’s “Teacher” in the Oscar-winning 1962 film, resulting in Patty Duke’s “Helen” spelling water at the pumphouse.

So the Tiger does not have to be a mother, an issue raised by Carol Fishman Cohen in her recent article “Asian-Style Parenting Means Mom Stays Home” (Working Mother). I can think of multiple examples in my own family, and I presume you can, too.

My husband tells of his paternal Swedish grandmother, who read to him constantly when he was little, fueling his lifelong love of books. When I was a corporate executive, we hired a Brooklyn Jewish grandmother as a nanny, who did the same for our toddler son. In high school, I was the persistent AP US History quizzer, but it was Brad who registered to take SAT II US History along with Eric on a $50 bet. Who won? That’s confidential, but they both nailed it!

I’m a big believer in It Takes A Village to Raise A Child by Hillary Rodham Clinton. My version is that it is a village of one-on-one relationships with charismatic adults, a term coined by Dr. Robert Brooks in Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope and Optimism in Your Child.

Dr. Brooks explains in his excellent article, Education and “Charismatic” Adults: To Touch A Student’s Heart and Mind: “In numerous studies, when resilient adults were asked what they considered to be of most importance in assisting them to overcome adversity in their childhood, invariably the first response was “‘someone who believed in me and stood by me.'”

Beyond extended family, these charismatic adults included, for my son: music instructors, tutors, camp counselors, sports coaches, academic teachers and a martial arts Sensei who formed a special one-on-one relationship with him. Each adult brings his or her own gift to a young person’s life. I believe every kid should have as many Tigers as possible!

When I decided to become a college consultant, I hoped to “pay it forward” to say “thank you” to charismatic adults who championed me when I was growing up, as well as the Tigers who influenced our son. In my practice and pro bono work, I get to play a rewarding third party role in guiding an adolescent’s self-discovery process, influencing a teen’s trajectory toward college and career.

I love being somebody’s Tiger!

Related posts: Amy Chua: The Lady or the Tiger, College Consultants? Who Needs’Em?, The Power of No, and Honorable Adulthood.

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