Off to College: How to Choose Your Freshman Dorm–and Roommate

Soon after families of high school seniors send in the enrollment deposit for the chosen college, a packet will appear in the mail with information on freshman housing and questionnaires that need to be returned with indication of preferences.  Most information can also be accessed earlier on the college website, either publicly or through an “accepted student” portal. Your student should also get the scoop from the college’s Facebook admitted student page. After the May 1 enrollment deadline, residential options are often chosen on a first come, first serve basis, so it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with the alternatives as early as possible.

What housing choices does a freshman have at your chosen college, and how does one go about deciding? What are the relevant factors your teen should be considering?

1. Location. Consider the location of each dorm option on the campus, and how that location may impact your freshman’s daily life (i.e., getting to and from classes, need for a shuttle bus, proximity to the library and dining hall, safety at night). Most colleges offer freshman dorms in the same proximity (often built around a courtyard, lawn or  “quad”), creating spontaneous social opportunities for the new students to get to know each other.

2. Physical Features. The housing website will actually show dorm floor plans, so take a look. Does your student want a single, double or even a triple? A double is usually the most popular option, since most freshmen prefer to have a “buddy” to help them get oriented, even if they don’t end up being best friends with their roommate long term. Some residence halls use a “suite” concept, which is nice, because it allows a freshman to interact daily with more students, offering great “bonding” opportunities. What are the sizes of the rooms? Is there a common room, or lounge, on every floor? What furnishing is included in each room?

Age of the building is also a consideration. Older dorms may lack modern amenities, such as air conditioning. On the other hand, sometimes older residence halls may offer architectural character, larger rooms and closet space, or even a sink in the room.

3. Residential Colleges and Academic-Themed Housing. The original concept of a residential college is a division of a university that places academic activity in a community setting of students and faculty, usually at a residence with shared meals, the college having a degree of autonomy and a relationship with the overall university. Prominent models for residential colleges are the colleges of the University of Oxford and University of Cambridge in the UK and the institutions based on them in the US, including Harvard,  Yale,  Princeton, U Penn, Rice , Wash U in St. Louis, U Miami, U Michigan,  U Virginia, Middlebury, and Northwestern. For a full list, see CollegiateWay.org.

However, the term residential college is also used to describe a variety of other models, including housing with an academic or special interest theme, with some shared educational programming. For example, Bucknell University offers freshman housing with the following themes: Arts, Environmental, Global, Humanities, Languages & Culture, Social Justice, and Society & Technology. Freshmen choose a theme and pick a freshman seminar related to that theme. The students in that themed residence hall share activities and even go on trips together to promote bonding. Many colleges also offer shared housing for honors program students. For a list, see InsideCollege.com.

4. Lifestyle Housing. Most colleges today attempt to be sensitive to the different backgrounds, lifestyles, and value systems of their students by offering specialized housing options. Most schools offer a “wellness” or “substance-free” dorm. This approach not only gives substance-free students the freedom to live and study without the disruption caused by partying, but it allows them to connect with  students who share their preferences. Students who choose a healthy, substance-free lifestyle do not have to feel like they are a minority among college students; they will be able to see, right from the beginning, that there are many young people on campus who share their values.

Along the same lines, some colleges offer “quiet” dorms or at least “quiet” floors. What a concept! I wish they had thought of this when I was in college. For a list of colleges providing substance-free or quiet dorms, see InsideCollege.com.

Co-ed dorms, of course, are by far the norm. In fact, Catholic University‘s recent return to same-sex dorms has been met with predictable media backlash.  Many colleges offer gender-neutral housing, which means a student can room with a person of the opposite sex. Gender-neutral restrooms are also common. However, for privacy’s sake, many colleges do offer same-sex floors. Brown University, for example, offers same-sex floors within its co-ed dorms, with educational programming designed to help residents explore women’s and men’s issues through events focused on gender.

If your student has a physical disability that requires special consideration beyond the standard accommodations such as wheelchair access, I recommend that you contact your college housing office directly.

5. Roommate. Your college will typically send out a questionnaire that will not only capture your student’s dorm and room preferences, but your roommate preferences as well. Typical questions include smoking or non-smoking, early riser or night owl, quiet or noisy, Felix or Oscar, and so forth. Once your teen has been assigned a roommate, encourage contact before school starts, through email or Facebook, so both parties will have an idea of what to expect. Advance contact also provides a good opportunity to decide who brings what (i.e., TV, microwave-fridge, video game console, etc.).

It will be difficult to prevent all possible problems that might arise with a roommate, since beyond these basic questions there is quite a bit of randomness involved (or let’s call it serendipity). The freshman roommate situation is a great learning opportunity; it is probably the only random roommate selection your child will ever have to encounter, because afterward he or she will decide based on friendship. I myself had several roommate situations determined by computer selection; some became dear friends, others forgettable situational neighbors, but all were valuable learning experiences. If it’s a disaster, with your kid getting sexiled every night, or finding out the roommate is a nut job, a room change can certainly be arranged.

Relevant reading: Spark Notes: Dorm Life, About.com: Dorm Life 101, eHow: Choose Your Dorm, Crushable: How to Choose Your First Dorm Roommate, US News: How to Choose and Keep a College Roommate. Related posts: College Dorm Checklist: A Sneak Peek! and The College Transition Bible.

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Empty Nester? Get a Gig–with a New Attitude

Update of last fall’s popular post.

We Baby Boomers, the intensity generation, have hurled our hearts and souls into every life chapter. As the first generation to choose when to become parents, we became passionate parents, elevating parenting to the apex of Maslow’s Hierarchy, playing Mozart to make our children “smarter” in utero. We became soccer moms, then helicopter parents, sometimes taking our passion to an unhealthy extreme that deterred, rather than advanced, our kids’ autonomy and self-esteem.

When one’s child–especially the last one–leaves for college, what does a parent do with all that passion?

It’s hard to find a more worthy goal than one’s child. After my only son was born in the early nineties, I left my marketing position at Nabisco. I was fortunate to have the financial flexibility to stay home, and full participation in my child’s life seemed more meaningful than selling Teddy Grahams®.

When my son graduated from high school three years ago and left for Emory University, my husband said, “It must be difficult getting ‘fired’ from your ‘job’ after 18 years.” He was right. You’re always connected, but now they’re grown ups who can generally fend for themselves. That was the goal after all, wasn’t it?

When I was first struggling with this paradox years ago, a cynical parent I knew quipped sarcastically, “Get a life!” I’ve had a life, thank you, I responded inwardly. An all-absorbing, rewarding one. That’s why I can’t just turn off a switch and disengage.

This woman’s trite cliché trivialized the complex process of switching gears when one’s kids leave home, glossing over the grief-loss component and midlife transition issues. A wiser, wittier friend offered this advice: “Find a new source of meaning, and try not to get too fat.”

Wearing my psychologist hat, I suggest that empty nesters focus on “inner work” to fully embrace this new chapter. My favorite books: Beyond the Mommy Years: How to Live Happily Ever After… After the Kids Leave Home by Carin Rubenstein, Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood by More magazine contributing editor Suzanne Braun Levine, Encore: Finding Work That Matters in the Second Half of Life by Civic Ventures CEO Marc Freedman, and  Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by Jungian analyst Dr. James Hollis.

For most empty nesters, the exorbitant price of college and our shaky economy requires return to the paid workforce;  expansion from part time to full time work; or a prolonged time horizon of full time employment before retirement. For some, resuming a role in the workforce may not be financially necessary but desirable, since a new, active vocational focus is so needed.

Many parents try to identify a more socially meaningful variation on one’s occupation before children, since parental purpose is such a “hard act to follow”.  After being a parent, one may need more “generativity” in one’s work than before. For example, a corporate executive who opted out for parenthood may choose to return to professional life serving in a nonprofit organization. Our current economy may not give many midlifers the option to switch to a job with greater “obvious” societal purpose, but an attitudinal shift about the meaning of one’s work will certainly lead to greater satisfaction during this new chapter.

The great psychologist Carl Jung offered wise insights about the attitudinal shift that he believed was imperative to soul satisfaction in one’s work and life at middle age: “The afternoon of human life must also have a significance of its own and cannot be merely a pitiful appendage to life’s morning. The significance of the morning undoubtedly lies in the development of the individual, our entrenchment in the outer world, the propagation of our kind, and the care of our children… But when this purpose has been attained… shall the earning of money, the extension of conquests, and the expansion of life go steadily on beyond the bounds of all reason and sense? Whoever carries over into the afternoon the law of the morning, or the natural aim, must pay for it with damage to his soul…” (C.G. Jung, “The Stages of Life” 1930).

So whatever your new gig is, it needs to be approached with the purposeful perspective of an evolved, inner-directed, generative mid-life adult. For practical navigation of your encore career, I recommend the classic: Back on the Career Track: A Guide for Stay-At-Home Moms Who Want to Return to Work by Carol Fishman Cohen and Vivian Steir Rabin. These authors have a resource-rich website, iRelaunch.com. They sponsor annual Return to Work Conferences to bring “career relaunchers” together with employers for education, inspiration, mentoring and networking. I was honored to be among the panel speakers at last year’s New York Conference at NYU Stern; the successful conference will again be held at Stern Oct. 4, 2011.

Another valuable conference for female “career relaunchers” is Charting Your Course at Harvard Business School. I attended this program three years ago, when Position U 4 College was in its infancy. Despite the intimidating resumes of the mostly HBS alums, I discovered that most had paid their dues as soccer moms and chairs of fundraising auctions, just like me. All of us needed confidence and a new vision to re-enter the professional world.

In “getting a gig,” I also “got a life” that mirrored, and actually expanded on, the lifelong gifts I gave to my son during his formative years. My college consulting office is in my home, and it’s great to have teenagers here again. Somebody’s got to eat the junk food!  It is gratifying to guide young people as they discover their strengths, find colleges where they will thrive, and initiate a trajectory that will ultimately help them find a rewarding career.

Related posts:  The Hero’s Journey, College Move-In: The Aftermath, Helicopter Parents: College and Beyond, College Freshmen Home for Thanksgiving, Empty Nester Holiday Blues, and College Family Weekends: Forever Jung.

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The Summer Between High School and College

I just finished reading “A Pre-College Summer To-Do List,” an excellent article in NY Times “The Choice”  Blog. Education journalist Jacques Steinberg asked Lynn Jacobs and Jeremy Hyman, authors of  The Secrets of College Success, for some tips on what high school graduates should be doing to prepare for freshman year of college over the summer.

The authors’ advice and readers’ comments offered a rich array of perspectives on how this unique summer should be spent. I welcome you to read it yourself and see what rings true for your graduate and your family. Meanwhile, here are a few tips that I often share with my clients.

1. Give your graduate a break from “resume-building” activities. The college process has become so competitive in recent years. Your graduate has been doing intense “resume-building” extracurricular activities for many summers, and will probably be pursuing demanding internships for many college and grad school summers to come. These kids have just finished a stressful run-for-the-roses, and the last thing they need is an overscheduled summer. This summer is the only one where your grad has the luxury of stepping outside that “Race to Nowhere” mindset.

Remember that we all need a little ebb and flow, with a balance between up time and down time. Personal trainers advise skipping a day between resistance strength training to allow muscle recovery. Prolonged sleep deprivation so damages physiological functions that it is used in interrogation and considered torture by some. Crop rotation or fallowing a field prevents soil fertility decline that can occur from growing the same crop in the same place for consecutive years, disproportionately depleting the soil of the same nutrients. Mental silence associated with meditation is linked to robust mental health benefits; after a recent weekend of silent meditation at the New York Zen Mountain Monastery, I personally experienced powerful recharging and renewal.

2. Give your graduate’s fried brain a rest. Every high school senior’s experience is different, but most students bound for competitive colleges have not spent their senior year staring out the window. Many have been busting their humps taking AP (Advanced Placement) courses or doing senior projects. My clients often report that they are simply mentally exhausted at the end of senior year. They need some time to recharge and renew before plunging into freshman year academics!

The above notwithstanding…..

3. Despite how burnt out your graduate is, don’t cave in and allow him or her to “do nothing.” Out of sympathy for how hard your senior has been working, you may be tempted to just let the kid stay up late on Facebook or go out with friends (a recipe for underage drinking and driving tragedies), then sleep until noon every day. Don’t give in to this temptation. Lack of structure during the pre-college summer could set your teenager up for failure in college, where it is easy to party late and then sleep through morning classes.

This pattern also sets up an unhealthy dynamic at home, in which parents get up and engage in adult responsibilities, while the adolescent is curiously exempt. Two shifts are operating in the household, night shift for the kid and day shift for everybody else. This structureless pattern may continue every time your college student returns home, for holiday breaks, summers, and perhaps even after college graduation.

Unfortunately, this pattern often encourages an assumption that the young person has no obligations at home, such as cleaning one’s room, doing one’s laundry, or washing one’s dishes. I recall the old Billy Joel line, “Well, you’re twenty-one and still your mother makes your bed, and that’s too long…”

The old saw, “an idle mind is the devil’s playground,” does not only apply to juvenile delinquents who fill a “structure vaccuum” with mischief, as might be suspected by the SNL Church Lady. Intelligent, creative, perfectionistic, analytical, conscientious young people may be especially prone to mental health conditions such as OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). A non-structured waiting period before a new, challenging life chapter (like college) could be a recipe for heightened anxiety and mental anguish for such individuals.

4. I agree with the authors that transformative, give-back experiences are ideal pursuits for the pre-college summer. However, I encourage families to consider experiences not jaded by “resume-building” goals. These experiences should be simple and engaging but not overthought, and done for their own sake, not for earning brownie points on an application someday. For the time being, your graduate is “so done” with that kind of thing.

I encourage simplicity, such as volunteering at the YMCA or local animal shelter. Becoming a counselor-in-training at a beloved camp provides purposeful activity, as well as emotional grounding with one’s “camp family” before going off to college. How about a church youth group service trip to Appalachia, funded by car washes and spaghetti dinners? For inexpensive, simple but meaningful ideas, check out Sheryl Kane’s Volunteer Vacations across America.

5. Paid employment is a great way to add structure and purpose to the pre-college summer.  Your kid can’t sleep till noon if he or she has to get up to work at the grocery store. Many teens have never had the experience of working at a minimum wage job, because they have been too busy building their credentials for college. But this summer offers the perfect opportunity to develop the kind of “show up on time and smile–even if you’re bored” responsibility that only a paid job can offer. A job can offer distraction from pre-college anxiety, and a chance to practice the social skills needed to connect with new people.

Earning money may help your adolescent to appreciate the educational investment you are about to make as well (for private colleges, $200K+). Realizing (experientially) that college costs money may motivate your teen to get up on time next fall and go to class!

Related posts: College Dorm Checklist: A Sneak Peek!, The College Transition Bible, College Orientation Rites, Letting Go (Back by Popular Demand), Off to College: The Hero’s Journey, Ten Ways for Teens to Spend the Summer.

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College Dorm Checklist: A Sneak Peek!

COLLEGE MOVE-IN is around the corner. Where to start? As a college admissions consultant, I not only like to see my clients get into their first choice college, but also be prepared to move into college as well. I annually update a college checklist for my soon-to-be freshman families.

YOUR KID’S COLLEGE WEBSITE: Find the download list  (instructions about what/what not to bring). Take note of rules about microwaves (colleges often specify a microfridge combo model you can buy or rent), extension cords (colleges usually want power surge protectors), and lightbulbs (halogen bulbs are forbidden). Find out if you are allowed to “loft” beds and buy a futon for underneath.

Confirm what furniture and interiors are provided before you purchase anything (carpeting, microwave or fridge in common areas).  Check with the roommate before buying a TV, speakers, computer printer, air filter, large fan, and other major electronics. A great excuse for roommates touching base before they arrive!

Before buying a laptop, check with the school (some colleges actually supply laptops, many offer discounts). What modes of transportation are common on this campus (bikes, shuttles)? For cell phones, consider insurance, and make sure it offers a seamless shift between voice, text and email (easier to reach your kid), with camera and media features to minimize the need for buying additional electronics. Most dorm rooms do not have landline phones.

INTERNET CHECKLISTS: Web sites:  CollegeBoard, iVillage, HundredsofHeads, SparkCollege, JustDorm.com, Gifts.com. Online discussion forums: CollegeConfidential. Blogs: CollegeDormIdeas.com, DormGear.com, Notes from My Daughter. Search engines: About.Com:Dorm Room Accessories, About.Com: Dorm Furniture, About.Com: Futon Sources.

ONLINE STORE CHECKLISTS: For well-organized store checklists, often printable, check out these terrific shopping resources: PBTeen, Bed Bath & Beyond, JCPenney, Walmart, Target, Ikea, Kohls and The Container Store . For school logo gear, explore CollegeGear.com, YourCollegeGear.com, FansEdge, and your teen’s college bookstore online.

If your young adult is going by air, you can buy online (with free shipping offers), and ship directly to school.  Buying online is more cost efficient than an impulsive move-in “supermarket sweep” (when local stores are sold out of many staples). Colleges receive packages by mid-August. Check your school’s website for dates and location for receiving packages.

Getting my son ready for Emory, I found it disorienting jumping between online shopping resources, to identify the best gear and of course, price-shopping.

To alleviate readers’ stress, I created my own checklist of essential items at a good value, which I update annually. I drew upon multiple manufacturers, often sourcing from Amazon, the gold standard clearinghouse with a reliable shipping record, usually offering free shipping (indicated by italics).

Here’s my checklist!

BATH: Dorm Caddy Shower Tote, Utility Caddy, Eagle Creek Toiletry Pouch, Travel Toothbrush Holders, 6-pc. Towel Set. And Havaianas flipflops are a must for the trek to the shower!

BED: 3-pc. Sheet Set, 2 Bed Pillows, Mattress Pad,  Fleece Blanket,  Comforter, Bed Risers (best kept secret: so your kid can store stuff under the bed), Foam Mattress Topper (this made my son happier than anything else I bought him).

LIGHTING: Desk Lamp, LED Lights 3 Pk (for closets or wardrobes),  Clip-on Mini-Reading Light, Flashlight,Torchiere Lamp.

CLOSET & STORAGE: Ultra-Slim Hangers, Pop-Up Hamper, Hanging Shoe & Sweater Bag, Over the Door Hanger, Underbed Storage Container, Jewelry Organizer. Bunkpal makes a cool “adjusted bed shelf.”

DESK SUPPLIES:Drawer Organizer, Pencil Holder, Wastebasket, Stapler, Staples & Remover Set, Desktop 2-3 Hole Punch, Electric Pencil Sharpener, Scissors 2-Pk, Scotch Tape 3-rolls, Pencils 12-Pk, Erasers 3-Pk, Ballpoint Pens 12-Pk, Sharpie Highlighter 12-Pk, Sharpie Permanent Marker 2-Pk, Glue Stick 6-Pk, Correction Film 2-Pk, 5-Subject Notebook, Hanging File Folders, Paper Clips, Printer Paper, DuraCell 20 AA Batteries.

KITCHEN: 3-pc Smiley Dinnerware Set (my niece rolled her eyes, but these little dinnerware sets are surprisingly hard to find), Spork 4-Pk, Tupperware Microwave Container, Neiko Multi-Function Pocket Knife with Bottle & Can Opener, Redenbacher Microwave Popcorn 12 Boxes/3 Pks Each.

UTILITY, COMFORT & SAFETY: Duct Tape (for any emergency!) Foil Finish Mirror, Industrial Strength Velcro Fastener Tape (to hang the mirror), Conair Double-Sided Make-up Mirror 5X, Hamilton Beach Allergen-Reducing Air Cleaner, Honeywell Small Oscillating Fan (to supplement lame dorm air conditioning), Cordless Hand Vacuum, Power Squid Surge Protector, Computer Notebook Lock & Security Cable or Laptop Safe (yes, laptops do get stolen at college!),  Keychain Alar with Light, First Aid Kit, Tabletop Ironing Board, Steam Iron, Portable Fabric Steamer.

ELECTRONICS: Not all of these are “must-haves”. Your student’s major, gadget affinity, and budget will dictate whether or not these items will be on your list .LED Backlight Alarm Clock, SONY Noise-Cancelling Headphones, Electronics Mini-Charging Station,  HP 8 GB 2.0 Flash Drive, Western “My Passport” 500GB USB 2.0 External Hard Drive, Adjustable Laptop Stand & Cooling Fan, TI-89 Titanium Graphing Calculator (especially for quantitative and science majors).

Related posts: Off to College: How to Choose Your Freshman Dorm–and Roommate, The College Transition Bible,  Orientation Rites, College Move-In: The Aftermath, Adjusting to College Life: Friendsickness, College Dorm Laundry Service?, When Big Brother or Sister Goes to College, and College Freshmen Home for Thanksgiving.

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Helicopter Parents: College and Beyond

The Emory University tour for prospective families traversed the beautiful Atlanta campus on a fragrant spring day in 2007, ultimately persuading my son that this was the ideal place for his college experience. When the admissions tourguide led us around Emory‘s state-of-the-art medical complex, she happened to point out a helipad for emergency transport.

Never able to resist a comic opportunity, I chimed in, “Is that for the helicopter parents?” The sophomore tourguide seemed flustered by my unorthodox question, and some nervous parents glared. But the wiser parents flashed knowing smiles—-and all the teenagers giggled.

At the time, I meant only to poke fun at parents who micromanage their high school students through the college process. I did not yet realize that for many families today, the “helicopter parents” phenomenon continues throughout the college years…and even into the careers of emerging young adults!

A recent article in US News & World Report, “10 Reasons Why Parents Should Never Contact College Professors,” confirms that helicoptering can and does continue way beyond dorm dropoff. No wonder freshman orientations include presentations about “letting go” for parents, and schedules designate a specific time when “PARENTS DEPART.”

It’s not just because faculty and students find hovering parents overbearingly annoying. A recent study by psychologist Neil Montgomery at Keene State College in New Hampshire suggests that students with hypermanaging parents tend to be less open to new ideas and actions, and may be more vulnerable, anxious and self-conscious, compared to students with more distant parents.

I just finished reading The iConnected Parent: Staying Close to Your Kids in College (and Beyond) While Letting Them Grow Up co-authored by Barbara K. Hofer, a professor at Middlebury College in Vermont and journalist Abigail Sullivan Moore. This thought-provoking 2010 book was based on a 2005 study at Middlebury and a 2006 study at the University of Michigan.

The authors expand on the helicopter concept by demonstrating the role technology plays to enable parental micromanaging of students’ lives when they no longer live at home. Many parents are in constant contact with their kids at college via cell, text, email, Facebook, and Skype.

The Middlebury and University of Michigan studies indicate that many parents edit their children’s papers via email, a behavior that was not generally feasible during our snail mail past. Some parents intervene in academic decisions such as choosing majors or contacting professors to dispute grades. Middle school parent-teacher conference redux?

Technology-enabled hypermanaging even continues into young people’s career search activities. The studies revealed that some Moms and Dads actually log in with their kids’ passwords and fill out job applications, write resumes and cover letters, and even contact employers on behalf of their grown children. Oy! Where does it end?

The authors concede that overparenting is passionate parenting taken a little too far. Many Baby Boomers, having fewer children later in life, view our progeny as so “precious” that we try to protect them from risks in this decade’s competitive college process and the depressed job market. Few actually become Blackhawks, a coinage for parents who cross the line from excess zeal to unethical behavior, such as writing their kids’ admissions essays or college term papers.

And we do want to remain connected to our kids, don’t we? It’s a tough world out there, and intergenerational connection is a desirable, natural, time-honored source of support through life. It’s that overcontrolling attitude that we must all guard against!

Hofer & Moore suggest that overparenting through constant contact hinders college students’ personal growth, and robs young adults of the opportunity to make decisions and learn from mistakes. They point out that excessive, controlling communication is not only detrimental to students, but it actually exacerbates parents’ anxiety as well.

The authors recommend a moderate, balanced approach that retains connection but empowers our kids to find their own way. I couldn’t agree more. Follow your instincts, use common sense, resist the temptation to fill every vaccuum and answer every question, and most importantly, LISTEN to feedback from your son or daughter. After all, it’s their turn now.

Related posts: Senior Year? Learn to Paint, Beginnings, Endings and Change,  College Orientation Rites, College Move-In: The Aftermath, Letting Go (Back by Popular Demand), What’s Next? and Honorable Adulthood.

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Off to College: The Hero’s Journey

My sister and her daughter just returned from the beauty salon. They did the school spirit pedicure, with Bucknell‘s blue and orange colors on alternating toenails, and the signature B on the big toes. Their outing reflected not only my niece’s enthusiasm for her new freshman adventure, but a nod to the mother-daughter bond, in no way over but evolving into an adult relationship.

One more day of packing the car with Bed, Bath & Beyond dorm gear for the drive to Pennsylvania. Meanwhile, my son and I prepare to drive his mini-cooper to Atlanta to begin his junior year at Emory University. We are far more casual (I haven’t painted my toenails blue and gold!), but our adult relationship continues to evolve too.

There is much written about the rite of passage of going away to college, both for the young adult leaving and the family staying behind. This undertaking captures the modern imagination because it has the psychological ingredients of the start of the archetypal hero‘s great odyssey.

Mythologist Joseph Campbell explains the “monomyth” of the hero’s journey in his classic book, Hero with a Thousand Faces: “A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man.”

George Lucas’ Star Wars emphasizes the part of the archetypal myth where the hero must “kill his father” to grow up and grasp his destiny. In the 21st C. reincarnation of the hero myth, conflict between parent and teen culminates in the young person’s ultimate bid for autonomy, figuratively “killing” his parents by leaving for college. Judith Viorst writes about separation from our parents as essential to adult growth and development in her psychoanalytic masterpiece, Necessary Losses.

Cat Stevens summed it up in his classic song Father and Son: “There’s a way, and I know: I have to go away.” So this dramatic parting has a firm grip on our archetypal emotions. There is a need for, and therefore many resources, to offer wisdom and support for this distinct rite of passage (for both kids and parents):

Freshmen: Books: How to Become a Straight-A Student: The Unconventional Strategies Real College Students Use to Score High While Studying Less by C. Newport, 2010 The Naked Roommate: College Survival Guide by H. Cohen, and How to Survive Your Freshman Year: By Hundreds of College Sophomores, Juniors, and Seniors Who Did by HOH Books. Websites: College Tips,  College Candy.

Parents of Freshmen: Books: Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years by K. Coburn,  The Happiest Kid on Campus: A Parent’s Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for You and Your Child) by H. Cohen, The iConnected Parent: Staying Close to Your Kids in College (and Beyond) While Letting Them Grow Up by B. K. Hofer & A. S. Moore,  Parenting College Freshmen: Consulting for Adulthood by L. Bips,  Don’t Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Parent Guide to the College Years, by H. Johnson, and Almost Grown: Launching Your Child from High School to College, by P. Pasick. Websites: College Tips for Parents, Tam Warner Minton’s College Adventures Blog.

We overdo advice at “revolutionary” junctures of change, when one chapter is clearly ending (kid at home) and one is beginning (kid going to college). But much of an adolescent’s growing up goes on in an “evolutionary” way, throughout the college years. There isn’t as much “self-help” advice for navigating that less visible kind of change: noticing the subtle endings and beginnings, like the nuances in weather and foliage that signal the change of seasons.

There are “little endings” and “little beginnings” throughout the college years. Last month, it was okay for you to bring up a certain subject with your college student, but now it is suddenly none of your business. While you’ve been going about your life at home, he’s been changing. It’s essential to be perceptive, to read understated signals that it is time to back off and empower this young adult to create his own future.

I recommend resources for college upperclassmen, which perhaps can be suggested by a parent (depending on your relationship). But generally these resources will be sought out if desired by the college student himself. In fact, I write a career blog for college students and recent grads, which has nothing to do with parents! Even if you once spoon-fed your teen when he was applying to college, you cannot simply re-create that role when he is beginning to explore careers, consider graduate programs, internships or entry-level jobs. Your role needs to become progressively more consultative, only offered when requested.

Books: Now What? The Young Person’s Guide to Choosing a Career by N. Lore, You Majored in What? Mapping Your Path from Chaos to Career by K.Brooks, How’d You Score That Gig? A Guide to the Coolest Jobs–And How To Get Them by A. Leavit, Getting from College to Career: 90 Things to Do Before You Join the Real World by L. Pollak, and How to Survive the Real World: Life After College: Advice from 774 Graduates Who Did by HOH Books. Websites: CollegeGrad.com, CareerTV.com, WetFeet.com, Gradspot.com, Careers-in-Business.com, and Quint Careers.

You may be able to gently pass these resources along to your young adult in college, only if solicited. But remember, your young adult is clearly now in the driver’s seat of his mini-cooper, and his life.

Related posts: College Dorm Checklist: A Sneak Peek! College Orientation Rites, College Move-In: The Aftermath, Letting Go (Back by Popular Demand), What’s Next? Helicopter Parents: College and Beyond, Adjusting to College Life: Friendsickness, College Dorm Laundry Service? When Big Brother or Sister Goes to College, College Freshmen Home for Thanksgiving, and Empty Nester Holiday Blues.

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“Letting Go” (back by popular demand)

A year ago, I wrote a post about “letting go” to help parents through the bittersweet rite of passage of high school graduation. Clients and readers have asked for an encore treatment of that post now that parents are experiencing the emotional transition of moving their freshmen into college.  Here are  key excerpts from that post:

Launching a college student is such an individual exprience. Whether you work or have other children, everybody deals with it a little differently. I felt many mixed emotions when our family went through it last year, and it wasn’t easy.

During my only son’s freshman year at Emory University, I launched Position U 4 College, built a new kitchen, tried hang gliding with one of my best friends in Rio, went to Harvard, swam with dolphins and manatees, held a baby tiger, learned to paint, lost money in the stock market, and walked for ALS.  I found myself, missed my son, watched him grow, and became even prouder of my son.

After the emotional roller coaster experience of launching a college freshman, a new relationship begins to unfold, between parents and a young—however provisional—adult.

Music helps. I suggest a few special songs, nostalgic, cathartic, or wise, to get you through it. My favorite is Suzy Bogguss’ classic “Letting Go”  (video below).

There’s a song out there for every emotion. Download MP3’s by clicking titles:  Cat Stevens’ “Father and Son,” Carly Simon’s “Love of My Life,” Phil Vassar’s, “She’s On Her Way,” Lee Ann Womack’s “I Hope You Dance,” Art Garfunkel’s “Lasso the Moon,” John Mellencamp’s “Your Life Is Now,” and “For Good,” performed by Idina Menzel in the Broadway musical Wicked. And don’t forget the Dixie Chicks’ “Wide Open Spaces” (video below)!

Books help. To help parents manage relationships with their college kids, I recommend: Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years by Karen Levin Coburn,  Parenting College Freshmen: Consulting for Adulthood by Linda Bips EdD, and  Don’t Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Parent Guide to the College Years, by Helen E. Johnson.

To help your freshman succeed in college, I recommend: How to Become a Straight-A Student: The Unconventional Strategies Real College Students Use to Score High While Studying Less by Cal Newport, 2010 The Naked Roommate: College Survival Guide by Harlan Cohen, and How to Survive Your Freshman Year: By Hundreds of College Sophomores, Juniors, and Seniors Who Did by Hundreds of Heads Books.

To help parents navigate their own new journey, I suggest: Beyond the Mommy Years: How to Live Happily Ever After…After the Kids Leave Home by Carin Rubenstein, Back on the Career Track: A Guide for Stay-At-Home Moms Who Want to Return to Work by Carol Fishman Cohen & Vivian Steir Rabin, and  Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by James Holis.

Related posts: General Petraeus Inspires the Cornwall HS Class of 2010: No Guts, No Glory, What’s Next?, College Orientation Rites,  Helicopter Parents: College and Beyond, Adjusting to College Life: Friendsickness, College Dorm Laundry Service? When Big Brother or Sister Goes to College, and College Freshmen Home for Thanksgiving.

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College Move-In: The Aftermath

My shoulders ached, despite the Advils I’d been taking all day. I had just finished move-in for my son’s sophomore year at Emory. I finished my Diet Coke, so fitting at “Coca Cola U.” It was thankfully unseasonably cool for Atlanta in August, with a refreshing breeze and dappled sunlight smiling through the shade of young peach trees around the stately, columned fraternity house. It felt like September, another new beginning.

We’d done all the things you’re not allowed to do in a freshman dorm. We lofted the bed and purchased a futon for underneath. I arranged my son’s books, desk supplies, xBox games, lamps, and memorabilia on his desk and shelves, and hung up or folded his clothes. We hooked up the electronics. His room looked better than it would look for the rest of the year! We took a Blackberry photo to email to everyone. My son laughed, “Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll de-mom-ify it after you leave.”

I smiled at my son. I was so proud of him. He had changed so much during his first year in college. A year ago, he was a reluctant freshman, trying to grasp the lay of the land of a scary new world, wondering whether he would succeed on this new  proving ground. Now, with an impressive GPA, a major, fraternity bros, and a summer internship under his belt, my son had emerged as a confident young adult. What a difference a year makes!

Parents who are launching their first freshman may be reassured by my post. You will survive this first separation. You will survive the empty nest if this is your only child. And each year, it will get easier, because your student will be one year closer to honorable, responsible adulthood.

When you leave your child and begin that drive or flight home, there is a feeling of vacancy, a pang that makes your eyes well up. You miss your son or daughter terribly. Freshman year is definitely the toughest. You will probably experience a complex mix of excitement, grief, and anxiety about the unknown of your relationship with your child, your child’s ability to  thrive at college, and your ability to build a new life without a dependent child at the center.

It may be a good idea to not go straight home after dropping your child off at college. Perhaps you and your spouse could go away on a long-deserved getaway, especially if this is the beginning of your empty nest chapter. Definitely create projects and adventures to which you can look forward. My “letting go” and “what’s next?” posts give some suggestions and resources.

Check in every few days at first, then once a week, or whatever feels comfortable in your relationship. Your child will probably touch base with you only when it is most convenient—a few words or text messages on the way to class. Conversations may be abruptly aborted upon arrival at the dining hall, or when another student meets up with yours on the Quad. Take what you can get. Be there when your child needs you. Listen more than you advise.

You are the mother ship, remember! Your young adult is exploring independence in a bigger way than ever before, but it is essential that he or she can touch base with the mother ship whenever necessary.

Send care packages (such as Popcorn Factory, SendaSmile). Plan to visit for family weekend. Be a sounding board, especially if your child needs to discuss pros and cons about dropping a class early on, an escalating roommate problem, homesickness, or what has come to be called “friendsickness”. You’ll get into a rhythym. Different than before, but it will become more natural as time goes on. This is the beginning of your adult relationship.

Related posts: Letting Go (Back by Popular Demand), What’s Next? College Dorm Checklist: A Sneak Peek! College Orientation Rites, Adjusting to College Life: Friendsickness, College Dorm Laundry Service? When Big Brother or Sister Goes to College, and College Freshmen Home for Thanksgiving.

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College Orientation Rites

Most freshmen will experience an avalanche of initiatory rites in the next few weeks. Some  already had their orientation back in June. But for many, this is the first time they will set foot on campus since their first tour over a year ago.

The edge of a great beginning. Here’s what to expect!

Many colleges offer optional outdoor pre-orientation programs to help small groups of freshmen bond through recreation, fitness or adventure trips before the official orientation week begins. College students often say that they find some of their best, long-lasting friendships that first week on an outdoor pre-orientation trip. Who knows?

Activities can include camping, hiking, mountain biking, rafting, kayaking, water skiing, sailing, challenge courses, the list goes on. Don’t worry, no skydiving. They’ll do that on their own, just to torture you!

Schools such as Duke, Muhlenberg, Bucknell, Lafayette, Kenyon, Tufts, Loyola, Hamilton and Bowdoin offer optional community service pre-orientation programs. These programs are great for freshmen who may not be “into” the outdoors, who would rather serve their college’s surrounding community, while also getting acquainted with each other.

Typically, dorm move-in immediately follows pre-orientation (some schools allow freshmen to move in prior to pre-orientation trips). Formal programs for students and parents begin shortly thereafter, with social activities to help freshmen get acquainted during the evenings. Having met my husband of 29 years at a dorm party the first week of school, I am a big believer that even the shyest student should make an effort to reach out at these events.

You can expect formal orientation schedules to include receptions, discussion panels, campus tours, president’s welcome events, academic department fairs, activity fairs, and religious services. Parents are then politely asked to “depart” (ah, such an understatement). After the “‘rents” are gone, orientation becomes more focused, with academic advising, placement exams, and class enrollment.

Make good use of time when your teen is away on a pre-orientation trip or social activity during orientation. Hopefully, you have assembled a college transition “bible” over the summer and now have it at your fingertips as a guide! Print out my dorm checklist from College Dorm Checklist: A Sneak Peek! Get the lay of the land, so you can suggest close-by grocery stores, pharmacies, hair salons, office supply stores, UPS stores and eateries. Check out where shuttles and buses stop; locate nearby subway or light rail stations.

If you haven’t bought all the dorm room items yet, find a Staples, Bed Bath and Beyond, Target, Walmart, JCPenney, or Container Store in the area. If it’s too stressful to schlep multiple loads, you can rent a cargo van for under $20 a day (U-Haul, Budget). Don’t forget the Advil…your muscles will ache at the end of the day! You will sleep well!

If this is your first child going to college, keeping busy will have another benefit, too…and you know what it is.

The moment is coming. It will be different for everyone. Hopefully, you have talked about the separation now and again over the summer, so there has been some natural preparation. My advice is, be genuine, but don’t overdo it. Your goal is to help your child process this transition and feel good about the new world he or she is entering, not let it all hang out.

Related posts: Letting Go (Back by Popular Demand), What’s Next? College Dorm Checklist: A Sneak Peek! College Orientation Rites, Adjusting to College Life: Friendsickness, College Dorm Laundry Service? When Big Brother or Sister Goes to College, and College Freshmen Home for Thanksgiving.

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College Dorm Laundry Service?

If you’re sending your first child off to college this fall, did you know that there are services out there we never even dreamed of “back in the day”? Laundry, dry cleaning, grocery and water delivery, dorm cleaning, dorm bedding, appliance delivery, summer pickup and storage, you name it.

The college service company that has received the most media attention is DormAid, founded by Michael Kopko at Harvard in 2004. It offers personal services to students on 1800 campuses nationwide, with direct on-campus services at 25 universities. It provides laundry pickup and delivery, room cleaning, bedding services, water delivery, a dorm bedding line, computer backup, and most recently, career services. These young entrepreneurs have created a new paradigm: concierge for college students. Their tagline: “Work hard, play hard. We’ll take care of the rest.”

Dormmom, founded in 2006, serves college students, busy professionals, senior citizens and businesses with laundry and dry cleaning, apartment and bathroom cleaning, grocery and water delivery, and end of semester pickup and storage. They also serve 1800 campuses, but we could not find a list of colleges.

The Harvard Crimson famously editorialized in 2005 that DormAid would create socioeconomic divisions between the “haves” and “have-nots” at the big H. The current economic crisis has likely exaccerbated such class divisions, when many students can’t even afford to return next year to the college at which they began, much less send out their laundry.

Parents of the “Entitlement Generation”, who themselves became accustomed to hiring household help to ease the stress of dual parent employment, nevertheless feel ambivalent about hiring services for their kids. Remember in Legally Blonde, when Elle Woods, Vivian Vanderbilt and Bruiser Chihuahua are giggling about upper class twit Warner Huntington III, who “doesn’t even know how to do his own laundry…he sends it out!”

When my son was leaving for Emory, I asked him how he felt about dorm services. After all, I wanted him to be able to focus on getting good grades (he did!), not get too stressed out (he didn’t!). And when we can no longer do those nurturing things for our children, we want to find a way to nurture them from afar. My son said, “Absolutely not, Mom. This is my chance to learn how to take care of myself.” End of story. He did.

My husband visited him one weekend, and his dorm room looked like–well, every other freshman guy’s room. “What a mess!” my husband exclaimed, determined to play the father role. “But Dad, I cleaned it up for you,” my son replied earnestly. I couldn’t be more proud of him!

Check the moralizing at the door. Every family has a different philosophy, comfort level, and budget. I’m here to tell you those services are out there, so you and your teen can decide what to do. And please leave a comment—I love a good debate!

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